Who’s who 1 – source ‘Justice for Jersey’

Who’s Who 

Sir Philip Bailhache – Bailiff of Jersey until June 2009 (brother of the William) Picture

William Bailhache QC – Attorney General (brother of Philip) Picture

Marnie Baudains – Directorate Manager of Social Services who called for the sacking of Stuart Syvret as minister – for speaking out about child protection service failures. 

Michael Birt – Bailiff of Jersey since June 2009 Picture

Chris Bright

Editor of the JEP Picture

Denzil Dudley – BBC Jersey Editor famous for saying “the BBC does not host political debates – in case it might influence decision-makers” 

Mick Gradwell  Police Superintendent brought in to take over the abuse inquiry after the retirement of Lenny Harper. Involved with Warcup in fact-free campaign to trash Harper’s work and reputation.Picture

Lenny Harper – former Deputy Chief Constable, States of Jersey Police. Since his retirement in 2008, the Jersey establishment has mounted a campaign of vilification against him and his investigation in to the allegations of abuse at Haut de la Garenne children’s home. The purpose of this campaign appears to be to allow them to abandon attempts to prosecute alleged abusers and blame it on the `incompetence’ of Harper’s investigation. Picture

John Hemming     Liberal Democrat MP and campaigner for justice in Jersey.   Picture

Jersey Evening Post

The only newspaper on Jersey. A vehicle for Jersey establishment spin. Historically associated with wartime collusion with the occupying Nazis. (The Channel Islands were the only UK territory to be occupied by the Nazis during WW2.) Picture

Senator Terry Le Sueur – Chief Minister of Jersey (lots of people in Jersey have French-sounding surnames)  Picture

Mario Lundy, Director of Education, Sport and Culture. The subject of a police investigation into accusations of physical abuse when he worked at one of Jersey’s children’s homes. Despite the investigation, the authorities refused to suspend him. Picture

Emma Martins, Jersey’s Data Protection Commissioner, claimed by SS to have manipulated and falsely applied the data protection law in an effort to protect named individuals, and as part of a coordinated action of political oppression against him. (Daughter of Bergerac star John Nettles.) picture

Dave Minty, Police officer leading the investigation against Stuart Syvret, with some enthusiasm it is said. According to SS, “he is also the very self-same police officer who has been furnished with evidence – and extremely well informed witnesses – to the effect that a Minister of the States of Jersey has criminally abused his position to take kick-backs for supporting planning developments.” picture


Tom McKeon, Director of Education before Lundy. Also subject to allegations of physical abuse of children in care. Now retired and living in Australia. Picture

Carrie Modral   A spokesperson for the Jersey Care Leavers’ Association  Video

Bill Ogley – Chief Executife of the States of Jersey (the most senior civil servant, who destroyed hand-written minutes of the meeting to suspend the police chief before Mr Power had agreed that they were accurate) Picture

Senator Philip Ozouf – Minister for Treasury and Resources. The establishment’s Chief Minister in waiting. Picture 

Graham Power – Chief Constable, States of Jersey Police. Suspended for investigating child abuse while child abusers remain in senior posts.  Picture

Matthew Price – BBC Radio Jersey Editor  Picture

Rob Shipley – Deputy Editor of the JEP 

Jack Straw  Labour MP and Minister for Justice, former radical politician who has supported corruption and cover-up in Jersey by his failure to intervene.   Picture

Senator Stuart Syvret       Picture Video
Anti-establishmentv Jersey Senator and former minister of Health and Social Services, who was sacked for uncovering the catastrophic breakdown of child protection services. The leading campaigner for justice for Jersey’s abuse survivors and author of ground-breaking blog with over 200,000 readers.


States Members  An ingenious attempt to rank States’ members according to their degree of political allegiance to the establishmentTony the Prof’s Blog

Turks and Caicos Islands. A British territory in the Caribbean. The UK assumed direct rule in August 2009 after allegations of corruption. Unlike in Jersey, the ruling elite are mainly black. Story

Senator Frank Walker – Former Chief Minister of Jersey. Famously accused Stuart Syvret of trying to shaft Jersey internationally. Picture

David Warcup – Deputy Chief Constable recruited on the retirement of Lenny Harper. Swiftly appointed Acting Chief Constable after the oligarchy conspired to suspend Graham Harper. Complicit with Gradwell in the fact-free campaign against Lenny Harper.   Picture
  
To come: Bridget Shaw, Stephen Baker

The names on the above list come up repeatedly in connection with injustice, conflicts of interest and corruption and cover ups, but nothing is ever done. Some of the above have been involved in the suppression of me and my side of things and the clearing of the Dean and abusers of wrongdoing.
Some of the names are out of date, for example the chief minister of Jersey is Senator Gorst, in theory, in reality he is by all accounts a sock-puppet for Philip Bailhache, because people had to choose between him and Bailhache as chief so they chose the weak leader instead of the dictator, and got a sock puppet.

This is the start of a who’s who. Which needs to be contiued in order for a better picture of what is really going on to be seen.
Anyone wanting to add to this, please send me details.

The list above relates mainly to the child abuse and cover up situation including Stuart Syvret’s sacking for speaking up about child abuse and Graham Power’s illegal suspension for investigating child abuse.

That Christmas 2009

It was heading towards Christmas 2009.
I was suffering and traumatized by the police and the way I was treated in Jersey as a result of the way I had  reported the churchwarden and also Jane Fisher’s nasty and senseless communications which left me in more despair than anything else.

I had made up my mind to commit suicide at Christmas and leave a letter explaining to the haters how badly being regressed to young childhood and abused and then vilified for reporting the abuse had affected me (as if they would care!).

I was very unhappy, the world was dark with no light and no-one to turn to.

But I remember being able to do something that brought light to my world as well as to others, and it is something that I just really wanted to do.

I asked my friend who went into the nursing home several times a week, presumably to teach something?
If she would get me the names of all the residents and if they preferred to be known by first names or more formally – as some older people do.
When she got me the list of names, I did a Christmas card for all 64 or so residents, because I knew that some of them wouldn’t get any other cards.
I am very shy of people, afraid of people, but I know that each human being is valuable and matters, no matter what their age or state of health.

But the response to my cards surprised me, not only the residents greeting me by name and smiling and waving when I walked past, but also their families and visitors, and I received a number of cards in reply, everyone was so nice! And from that, I ended up in regular conversation with a number of people, and this led to my confidence and conversation building remarkably.

That Christmas, within the weeks up to Christmas, as I searched the internet looking at the most effective methods of suicide, I came across Maytree Sanctuary for the suicidal, and applied to go there, within the week before Christmas, I completed my self-referral to Maytree and went there for Christmas.

My journey to Maytree was disasterous, this is when the heavy snow was falling, and it looked like the plane wouldn’t even leave Jersey, but it did, and when we landed at Gatwick, our plane had a good old scary skid along the runway!
Arriving at Gatwick in the heavy snow, trying to get the coach looked impossible as snow was affecting the coaches and there were no announcements and no-one could adequately explain what was going on, but thankfully I eventually got a coach, my phone was on a Jersey sim and hardly worked in the UK so I could not let Maytree know what was going on as it took hours and hours to get to London and to Maytree, I ended up in tears in a phone box trying to explain to Maytree and then eventually got to them, very upset.

I think I was tired and it was late when I got there and they made sure I had a hot drink and food before bed.

The stay there was generally pleasant, and I had my own room with ensuite, and no-one was supposed to come into my room unless they were concerned for my safety but one volunteer barged in anyway.

One of the ways Maytree helps people is through talking, and we talked a lot, there were a number of volunteers at Maytree and so I met a lot of people, but the one I found easiest to talk to was retired tube driver called R.

I came downstairs and the kitchen smelled of frying breakfast and Richard was there with the garden doors open, frying breakfast, he was great to talk to and we talked a lot, he told me about his late wife who was a beautiful Indian lady, he fell in love with her the minute he saw her, but she never wanted flowers, because she was a mechanic, she always wanted new spanners and tools 🙂

Maytree was great, we went looking for a turkey on Christmas eve, but they were sold out so we got a duckling, not a duck but a duckling! 🙂 I feel bad about having eaten one of those little fluffy yellow beeping things. But I have a feeling it was a rather grown up duckling. Them beeping yellow things are too small to have the meat on them that the ‘duckling’ we cooked did.

It was good to have Christmas, if I had stayed in Jersey I would have had no Christmas and I would have been dead.
And, looking at what happened in the following year, maybe death would have been better, although I would have missed out on my awesome experience of sleeping rough if I had died.
(and I still believe this church matter may kill me yet).

So time at Maytree was spend relaxing, talking, enjoying good food and drink and lots of Christmas cake, it was all good.
I went for walks, and was surprised that there in the dirty, dog-messy streets, everyone said ‘good morning’ and ‘Happy Christmas’, I went into a Catholic church one day and lit candles, asked Philip LeClaire what the difference between the red and blue candles was and got no response.
But there was a notice in church that eternally amused me.
It read:

‘Please note, the heating is off due to a leek in the pipes’

I couldn’t help wondering how the leek got there and why they couldn’t fish it out 🙂

Anyway, on Christmas Day, I went to the morning service at a local Church of England/Charismatic church, a pretty young lady from Maytree came with me, it was incredibly funny how, after the service, all the Charismatic men came up to us and started chatting with her and ignoring me, she was not a Christian but had offered to accompany me for support and safety. The men really liked chatting to her, they hardly said hello to me! 🙂
I wrote an amused letter to the church and told them I had enjoyed the service and been amused by the men’s keenness on my companion, they wrote a friendly letter in reply, saying I was always welcome to drop in.
One of the lovely parts of the service was when they let a net of balloons down from the roof, the children ran riot!

Anyway, before I left Maytree, the person in charge met with me and talked with me about my strengths and plans for the future, I found that empowering, but lost the letter when I had to leave Jersey, and Maytree wouldn’t let me have another copy.

The problem with Maytree, excellent as they were, the communication wasn’t good, and before I went, a woman tried to get me to fill in a questionaire that even she didn’t understand, and it included asking me if I was an abuser, apparently, but she didn’t know or wasn’t clear what the questions meant and I was left very upset. She then said that it didn’t matter anyway and I didn’t need to fill it in. That was awful, it was intrusive and distressing and undid some of the good by stressing me.

I left Maytree and sadly, walked into terrible football crowds on the underground and was trapped and panicked.
Thankfully a member of tube staff rescued me and got me back to Central London, and I headed for Hampshire to my friends (who the diocese have since taken from me).

I arrived back in Jersey feeling refreshed and determined to move forward positively, Jane Fisher had temporarily shut up, or so it seemed, as I had written to Scott-Joynt just before Christmas, as I expected to be dead in the new year and wanted him to know that Fisher had been bullying me and making life hell.
The Korris report claims Scott-Joynt wrote to me, he did not, he didn’t have my address, of course at that stage I wasn’t going to tell anyone in the Church where I lived, life was hell enough in the community because I was shunned.

So I resumed life and was surprised by the curate who had been so rude and snappy before Christmas -when her cousin comitted suicide.
She really wanted to be in contact and see me, I was surprised, so I took her a load of firewood logs.

I had no idea that we were at the start of Jane Fisher using her further to harm me.
One of Fisher’s greatest triumphs against me was the way she wrecked a safe and healing relationship and used that curate against me in the most terrible and damaging way and also brought the dean into it, again, as she continued to do, leaving me with no safe and private church relationships and help, it is a deep wound.

So this was 2010 now, the beginning of the end as I continued to be damaged by the church of england.

Polo’s new blog on the Dean

http://photopol.blogspot.ie/2014/03/proxy-bishop-bob.html

Post 1 -Other people’s perspectives

I am going to start comiling lists of links to other bloggers posts about my case. Starting with Bob Hill’s blogs.
Bob bases his posts on the Korris report a lot, which can make them inaccurate and traumatic at times, but he also has a lot of paperwork and in depth knowledge of States and Police processes.
 I think that as he has kept these posts about me up, he wont mind me linking and thus increasing traffic to his balanced and insightful blog. Especially as he does things without asking. 🙂
Remember, these blogs are not my opinion nor necessarily my true story, but they do help with background, but they were written by a good and honest man who was doing his best.

Bob Hill 2013/14:

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/the-dean-bishop-and-good-shepherds-fact.html

http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/the-dean-and-voice-in-wilderness.html

http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/jerseys-dean-and-victims-tale.html

http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/jerseys-dean-victory-or-climb-down.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/jerseys-dean-did-punishment-fit-crime.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/jerseys-dean-diocese-of-winchester.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/jerseys-dean-red-letter-day.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/jerseys-dean-meaningless-apologies.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/jerseys-dean-doubting-thomases.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/jerseys-dean-another-meaningless-apology.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/jerseys-dean-and-silly-season.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/jerseys-dean-laitys-jep-advert.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/jerseys-dean-dame-heather-saint-or.html

  http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/jerseys-dean-dame-heather-saint-or.html

Anything and everything

I am considering doing a linked blog to my childhood story, which is fully written.

But I thought to get back into the Jersey story, I will try to do a brief chronology.

It was  July 2008 when I arrived in Jersey.
I met the churchwarden in July or August.

The Churchwarden ‘adopted’ me within weeks of meeting me.

It was October or november he first introduced inappropriate touch,
and he had already been talking inappropriately. 

It was November that the Churchwarden got me to go and live with them,
but he was already behaving wrongly, and churchpeople had observed him
holding my hand, hugging me etc, but done nothing, while his wife disapproved.

There was a disasterous Christmas, described elsewhere,
and immediately after this, the Churchwarden’s behaviour got much more inappropriate.

I became sick with depression and was told that it was a virus by doctors,
who had no idea what was going on.
 The churchwarden’s wife went on about me ‘beating myself up’
But never told me what it meant.

By March 2008, I had referred myself to Autism Jersey and
was having counselling, but not feeling any better,
Being regressed when my original childhood was so bad
was as bad as the sexual abuse

The counsellor told me that what the churchwarden was doing was wrong
and told me to slap him on the nose when he crossed boundaries
but didn’t completely realise that my sense of boundaries was impaired.

In April/May, I was actively looking for a new home and 
the Churchwarden’s wife, though openly resenting me,
was helping me look,
while her husband was talking about how
I would come round for supper every day when I left
which neither I nor his wife, agreed with

I was still suffering stress and depression
as you will see in the ‘year of emails’ 
when I launch it on the blog.

I moved out without saying goodbye
and tried to cope with life
after being part of a family
while the churchwarden sought incorrect advice
from a group who mess with lives and use God’s name in vain
‘The walk of 1000 men
chauvenist charismatic evangelicals
who are like rabid wolves 
after souls but with no concern for human welfare

the churchwarden had told me in detail
how he had been inappropriate with 
young women during partaking in
this dangerous charismatic rubbish

By summer 2008, my life was in collapse
From summer 2008 to Autumn 2010
I fought the church of england in vain to do something
about the abuse and subsequent cover up and discrediting of me
but I ended up homeless and with a criminal record instead.

The church, to this day, prefer destroying me rather than dealing 
with my side of things and my abusers.
And they use my distress and mustrust against me 
to continue to villify me.

 

 

 

Abuse Victim treated badly by church

The man in the picture looks like Philip Bailhache.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/10/church-accused-no-concern-abuse-victim?CMP=twt_gu

lets go back 27

The handyman at work turned increasingly nasty and I am sorry to say that helping Ted and Joan and worrying for them as well as dealing with the lady of the big house and the neighbours all got too much for me, my energy failed and I had a stomach problem, Ted took me to the doctor and he said that the bag of medicine that they gave me was bigger than his bag of medicine! Ted had been put on enzymes and was able to take food with fat and sugar in for the first time in many years. He thought this was quite funny.

My cottage was one of two farm cottages that stood alone away from the other houses and just outside the village, the problem was that it wasn’t peace and quiet there, the people in the other cottage were the local farm mechanic and his wife, and they alone made that place as noisy as a council estate, constant noisy drunken parties, revving motorbike engines at 4am in the morning, screaming children and dogs, the children and dogs weren’t even theirs, they were their families, but the noise was constant, there was no peace, the dogs barked and yapped and chased my cats, the nocturnal motorbike revving and other noise was a nightmare. And ironically this being one of the reasons I chose to leave, the couple next door also left not long after me, they had been there for a number of years.

The stress of everything got on top of me, I was unable to cope with the noise, the demands of work, the money situation, JM, the hypochondriacs and the illness games that were making me ill, Ted’s illness,  everything got too much for me, I tried unsuccessfully to overdose, and then to hang myself, I injured my neck, but ended up still alive, and realised I was no good at suicide.

 The hypochondriacs knew I was suicidal, got overly involved, spoke to JM at length about me, which was extremely unhelpful because her opinion of me and most people, is crass and incorrect, they also spoke to LD, I had given them permission to phone her but they went to see her, she explained boundaries to them, quite rightly, but they didn’t discuss boundaries with me before changing them, and then they were getting stressed about an important figure in L. church who was their friend, who was arrested for child molestation and child pornography.
This was being kept a secret by the church, and this was one of my first realisations how underhand and dishonest the Church and Diocese of Winchester are in order to protect their own interests.

The Church worker who was arrested, was part of the Prayer and Praise and All Age Worship team which was my favourite area of church and which I was involved in in minor participatory ways, he was a devoted member of the mission support team and was very active indeed in working with the Romanian orphanage that the church supported, he spent a lot of his spare time over there in the orphanage, and I remember before it was found out that he was an abuser, he was giving a talk on Romania and I remember him talking about bathing one of the little girls, and I remember thinking sharply that something was not quite right, and wondering if anyone else read into what he was saying as I did.
My friend, S. mentioned a number of times after the news came ‘out’ to a select few, that she knew I knew something was wrong with the man.

I gather from a conversation I was not meant to hear that it is possible he did misbehave there at the orphanage, but the true and hugely terrible thing about his conviction is that he was a special school teacher, and it was the children there he abused, as well as downloading tremendous amounts of child porn, all I knew of this man and his wife before that was that they were friends with the hypochondriacs and were involved in youth and mission, he was an avid mission support person as were the Hypochondriacs, and when I put forward a suggestion to the group about helping the orphanage,he  was not very encouraging, later though, after he was gone, I was more involved and given an opportunity to help.

But Worse things came out of the trial for me, I was horrified about hearing of the conviction,  I gather I was not meant to know, and the church and diocese were trying to keep it quiet- as I now know they do with all abuse, at the cost of a human life and reputation and health- but anyway, I went to JM about it, and she was very harsh and unkind, told me that everyone forgave the man and why couldn’t I if he had done me no harm.

 I replied that he had and that this was not about not forgiving, this was about shock and devastation, JM said that we would all be judged the same by God, and that he with his paedophilia and I with my autism would both be judged the same, this was utterly devastating for me, she was putting me in the same category as this man.

I have never recovered, judged for my disability in the same category as a sex offender! and knowing that people from the church wrote letters to support the man, saying he was a good man really, these same people who cross the street when they see me, and I have been called wicked, I have been condemned by the same church who supported this paedophile, and the same Diocese who hushed the matter up, what hope have I, if my autism is the same as what this man has done and I have been condemned as wicked when people say he is not, then what can I do? LD told me that what JM said was wrong, but it doesn’t take the pain away, not at all, I remain condemned.

Anyway even at the time I said something along these lines to SL because my friendship with the Hypochondriacs was breaking up, and they had written to support this man and were going mad with the stress of that and helping his wife and also their son and not coping with me.

What they were not coping with me was their over involvement as they, the same as Jill and George and others thought they could make everything ok and ended up making all of us ill, as well as this making me react and play up (nothing to be proud of and I am not), all in all they were in a mess and so was I, they helped the paedophile’s wife and so did my other friends, I cannot begin to imagine what she was going through, I did not get involved,she was as friendly to me as ever and so I spoke to her as we always had spoken, with no change, and I never spoke of her husband or the situation, and neither did she.
I did go to the court and listen to the trial, and ended up out of my mind and somewhere in the West Country because I couldn’t cope with it. I was too shocked.

I remember (another youth leader/churchwarden) coming to speak to me, I was curled up in the balcony of the church, feeling upset, he came and asked what was wrong and asked if I wanted to talk, and got me to come and stand with him and his family all squashed into one pew.
 I have no doubt that he was deeply shocked by what happened with the conviction of his colleague, he and his family left the church not so long after that, I don’t know if it was that or just the politics and cliques of the church that made him leave.
 I was pleased that he got the job of City Centre Chaplain, though JM said it was mad because he was too shy, but now he is one of the people who crosses the road to avoid me, which is sad because I respected him and I have certainly not done anything against him, but the church and diocese aren’t going to allow me to belong anywhere or receive anything but shunning for the rest of my life.

Another young family left the church and youth group at this time, they were my friends, I used to babysit for them and when I moved to house they inherited the rabbit, I kept in touch with them and remained friends with them for some time after they left, and we didn’t fall out, I have seen one of them today and had a chat, the church seemed empty with all the deaths, arrests and leavings, but new people soon came in and took it over.

Back to the work situation:
But I was no longer able to work with the stress and the noise and the aggressive handyman, I couldn’t stand up to him as the previous gardener had , and a row really blew up over his suggestive comments about me and Ted, so I resigned, the lady of the house kicked up a huge fuss and seemed to think I would leave and take all the fitments from the house with me, JM also got involved behind my back and ill-informed as usual and to my detriment, and the lady kept coming round to check up on me and I was either sleeping in the front room or cleaning the house and disposing of my furniture and effects to eager village residents as I could not take with me everything I had collected.

I certainly took none of her furniture or fittings! I left the place in good condition and went to live in my old house again, this time in the smaller cheaper room, I was really ill with exhaustion by then, I took my cats with me. The lady then continued to get through a number of gardeners in the next few years before putting the house on the market as it was too much to maintain and neither of her children wanted to inherit it.

She was one of the local ‘oligarchy’ who play such a part in running the Church of England churches because of their money.
Funny isn’t it? A mirror of Christianity where they use the poor as doormats and malign them for the problems they face, as she did with me.
I never regretted leaving that job, after two years there, because the cottage and the demands on me were simply too much.

‘A friend like Henry’/autism and life

I have just finished reading ‘A friend like Henry’, it is a big book so it took me from Sunday to this morning to read.
The book is also a film called ‘After Thomas’ which is often showed on Television, and the film and the book are very similar as they are from a true story.

What the book shows is that parents’ love and care can make a profound difference to a child with autism.

My parents, especially when I was younger, did not believe in learning difficulties or disabilities, and corrected everything with punishment, usually physical. Thus I not only had autism but was punished for it regularly, and the Church of England pretty much followed in the same vein.
So I have grown up ashamed to be me, I have been 100 times more ashamed to be me since Jane Fisher’s whipping and defamation of me in Jersey and Winchester, she reinforced JM’s message that I was as bad or worse than an abuser for my disability intolerably and concretely.

I am glad for Dale and Amy, the children in the book ‘A friend like Henry’ that their parents, under the terrible stress of denial from authorities and having to cope daily with their children’s problems, persevered and did wonderfully well for their children and in turn their children thrived.
Credit to them! 🙂

Since my bad experience of Autism Jersey, of which my side remains untold. I do not see any point in autism societies, I cannot bond with them or engage with them and they lean towards unhelpful actions which add to my stress, for example the NAS threatening to set social services on me, when I am council house trash, abusing children or need a leech hanging onto me, I will agree to social services making my life worse, until then, I am already overloaded and do not need an extra burden.

I have to live my life as best I can now, and I do it by keeping routine and keeping known stresses to a minimum.
Dale, despite his incredible and admirable progress, that he and his parents and Henry deserve a lot of credit for, did not stop being autistic. And despite my increased social and communication skills, neither have I.

When I was younger, living in Hampshire, until I was diagnosed and even after that, I did not know what caused me stress or how to control the stress, I did not know how to act in social situations, but since most of my socialising was in the wealthy middle class Church of England setting, I fell into the role of coat-taker and waitress at the parties that my friends held, although I still suffered exhaustion from the parties, having a role and being focussed on it gave me the ability to interact with people.
I guess some of those parties would make a happy memory later?

In my life now, as you may have seen from the Day to Day blog, although trying to run a low-stimulation life does not completely dominate my life, it does help.
Socialisation and human contact are stresses for me, hence Sunday, Monday and Tuesday being my social days, and me being a bit put out by having to interact yesterday.
Being in my own little world is the most calming and healing thing there is, especially after the battering my life has taken in the last few years.
But equally, being alone with the continuing harm from the Church of England is not good for me, so I do need my social days.

I try to keep my environment at the right temperature as I can get very sick if I get hot, my Dad, also on the spectrum, used to get very sick if he got cold. This is why I comment sadly on losing the winter.

I do not like some noises, sharp or loud or sudden noises and I am very noise sensetive, and I have learned even in the last month to cope with wearing earplugs at night to help me to settle and sleep. I have great difficulty sleeping indoors but I know it is safe to wear earplugs in here even if I don’t like to, and though they tend to help me sleep, they tend to have fallen out during the night as I am so busy in my sleep.
You see some autistic children with ear muffs to help them cope with noise.

So, in the old days, when I had no understanding of what was wrong with me, I did not know that I reacted too strongly, did not know what I reacted to, and did not know how to help myself, but these days, I am much more aware of what is wrong and why, so often I change a situation or leave it in order to avert a meltdown.
But it remains that I have been misunderstood by the world and especially by the Church of England, for my actions all my adult life, even though I am quite high functioning and these days careful not to overreact if I can help it.

Eye contact, a classical sign of autism is lack of eye contact, or in Asperger Syndrome sometimes you can end up with too much eye contact, staring, looking through people.
I never made eye contact when I was younger, I used to stare at a mirror for hours and still not see myself.
It was JM who taught me eye contact, she used to put her hand under my chin and get me to look at her, all the time, which would be completely unethical and crossing all counselling/clerical boundaries, but she did a lot more than that that crossed boundaries and it wasn’t a bad thing that she encouraged eye contact, although it was uncomfortable for me.
She achieved getting me to look at people, although it remains hit and miss, but this is when I discovered faces, and started drawing my little cartoons, I had had no idea about people having eyes and faces before, I was fascinated!

My speech started improving with the help of a very good therapist who who worked with abuse and trauma, and made another leap forward in improving while I was suffering trauma in Jersey, for unknown reasons.

Autism still isn’t as understood as it needs to be, although most people know something about autism these days, but if I say I am on the autism spectrum, that can baffle people, and if I do as some people on the spectrum do, and ‘hide’ my autism, I seem to be much more open to being misunderstood and causing upset..
An example of this was the chef at work, always cheerful and loud, shouting hello to me and gettking offended because he thought I wouldn’t reply, although I was struggling to process his words and reply because of slight dyspasia linked to the Autism spectrum.
When I explained this to him, he stopped being cross and was kind.

People ask how I could live with being autistic and homeless, and that is understandable. It was easy, I felt safer from the Diocese and police out there, I could sleep comfortably on the ground and my spine was held in place by the firm ground, while sleeping in a bed remains uncomfortable, I was much more in control of temperature outdoors, I would wrap up in my blanket pile and breathe the clean air and sleep sweetly, and I long for that now as I battle to sleep every night indoors.
I was well looked after by other homeless, outreach and churches on the streets, and I could spend as much time as I liked alone and drifting in my little world out there.
I had my routines, that were easy to re-establish when I moved from one town to another.
Ah, I wish i could have one night of sleep like that on the streets! Oh the cold and the dark and the quiet, I want it back!

Anyway, to conclude, the Church pretty much has always denied my condition or made it equal to or worse than, peadophilia. Starting with JM’s statement that I would be judged the same as our peadophile youth leader by God.
God would judge me the same as an abuser? This is how JM put it to me, and refused to refute that.
And in everything Jane Fisher and the Bishops have done to destroy and defame me while protecting my abusers, they also state that.

I do not believe a condition like autism that someone is born with, is the same as a man knowingly targetting children and vulnerable people and using them for sexual activity.

I do not want to be how I am, and sometimes I see faint glimpses or have dreams, of a life where I am not like this, I wake from those dreams feeling devastated, because no matter what I do, I cannot change this and be how other people can be, living a life where you don’t have to avoid stimulation and worry about meltdown and prepare in advance for each journey and each change in life.

I do not know if Dale went on to be able to live without advance preparation for each new thing, or if he still had times when he could not cope or was not understood, he actually, with the wonderful support he had, seemed to go on to a much more successful life than me. I think he and his parents deserve medals, and I hope they do not mind me writing about them to facilitate my telling of how autism affects me.

In Jersey, being regressed by the Churchwarden and his ‘healing’ when he had no training and was supposed to be under observation from his church, was profoundly damaging, I remained regressed and wounded by their awful church, not knowing that he was supposed to be being supervised because of previous behaviour, but he was not only not being supervised, he was being allowed to separate me from the rest of the church and discuss my ‘problems’ in a way that left me isolated and shunned, he was being allowed to discuss ‘my problems’ with the vicar and his wife, in an intrusive way, and I reacted.

And when I left the churchwarden and his wife, he still felt me up when I went to see him because I was concerned about what he had done and his lack of responsibility, I still had not been made aware of his past.
I was left emotionally and psychologically damaged and without adequate support when I reported the churchwarden, I was shunned in the community, no matter how Jane Fisher denies it, and the stress was simply too much, would have been too much for anyone from a background like mine and having found her ‘family’ only to be abused and dumped.
As someone on the autism spectrum, the denials and shunning were simply too much, and it caused an uber-meltdown.

Which continues to cause me to be treated as worse than an abuser by the Church of England, or even as worse than their clergy who have behaved unethically and without a shred of Christianity in order to cover up the wrongdoing around me reporting the case.
Glaringly, the church have interviewed those clergy with their legal expertise and their lawyers and omitted my side from any report.
Again and again they state like that, that autism is a crime and wrongdoing by clergy and church officers is not and is excusable.
And apparently, according to Bob Hill, Dame Steel claims there is nothing wrong with me and I am just a troublemaker.
She didn’t interview me but interviewed someone with an interest in protecting the wrongdoers who has never even met me but is a trained lawyer as well as being a clergyman in the Deanery of Jersey.

Happier memories, the boat and the sailing award

I joined the other sailing club to get more dinghy sailing and training and more social activities.

They had an open day one day and were selling off the old club dinghys.
They were very kind to me as I viewed the dinghys and picked out one for me in reasonably good shape, they sold this to me for £50, and so I was a boat owner.

I was very proud of this little boat, and I got a place on the boat park for it, on it’s little trailer.
Although someone tried to shove it out of it’s place and park their boat there soon after, even though I had been given that space, club members helped to sort that out, and I started work on getting the boat into better shape.

The boat was a Topper, a white and blue one, and it’s faded name read ‘Crazy’, which made my friends laugh, so I changed it’s name.
I contacted the Topper Sailing association and got a signed book and a new mainsheet and other bits for the boat, which I slowly and carefully fitted, and I learned how to put the mast up and rig the boat where it stood on dry land.
I felt I had made a lot of progress as a result of owning my boat, just as I made progress with driving when I got my own car, see my earlier post about the car.

I had done my dinghy sailing levels one and two, but level three was more elusive, both in training costs and assessment, so I started to train when I could with one of the Pico’s that I had often borrowed for solo sail practice.
I saw the Clipper Bursary advertised, and it was for anyone who wanted to further their sailing experience and qualifications.
So I applied.

I didn’t win the main sailing award but won an extra award that they offered especially for me. I was stunned!

The award they offered was to help me gain my level three and I was very happy about it.

I suppose I had better explain that this happened during the grim death time, 2010, when, despite my stay at Maytree (suicide prevention centre, self-referral), I was going downhill, and the Diocese were still harming me and not dealing with my complaint.

Anyway, I went to meet the man who was offering the award, and he took some photos of me with my dinghy, he said that a condition of the award was that I was likely to be interviewed by the press, he said the photos would probably be in the JEP, and because of the church situation, which I explained without naming names, he said that my name would be omitted. But I was terrified because I knew the haters would react to me being in the press.

The reaction I knew about turned out to be Jane Fisher, she and I were on ‘speaking’ terms, although she was still hurting me and denying my complaints, this was 2010, we were on speaking terms because tracy wanted that, and Jane Fisher’s interference was trashing my friendship with Tracy and her church.

Anyway, Jane Fisher, I remember, kept on texting me and asking why I was to be interviewed by the press, she was so obviously only interested in the Church’s reputation, it was ludicrous.

I was in the JEP, but I delighted in ignoring BBC Jersey when they asked for an interview, after all, they had treated me appallingly and caused me a breakdown, a severe one.
Although at the same time I did contact them about joining the Springwatch beach clear up, which I very much enjoyed taking part in.

Anyway, so I was doing my level three dinghy practice but was quite unwell, and things came to a head one day when the boat capsized and I couldn’t right the boat or swim any more, I was exhausted, it is very possible that the full blown asthma had developed by then, because I couldn’t breathe properly, and I had to be rescued.
That was my last sail. That was the end of my dreams.
We were rapidly approaching the end by then.

My boat was moved to the garden of a Jersey clergyman, ‘for storage’, and while on the run in England when Jane Fisher and Tracy tried to have me sectioned and failed, my car irreparably broke down because I had had to use the repair money on the ferry ticket and looking after myself in England, and because the sheets, sails and steering mechanism for the boat were in the car, they had to be abandoned in England.
Then I lost my life and my home, my boat was left in that CoFE clergyman’s garden and the rest of the gear was left in the UK.

I lost my boat and my training and so much I had worked for and paid for, but did the Diocese care, no, when I arrived homeless in England they set about wrecking my life more than I could ever recover from, my losses already meant nothing to them compared to covering up for their wrongdoings, and they told me it was my fault, while I was homeless in Winchester, Bishop Scott-Joynt said so, from his palace, where he had refused to ever deal with any complaint from me.

Outstanding Quotes from the Churchwarden’s Wife

There are many but lets do a few:

• ‘I belong to the Union in case any boy (at Victoria college) accuses me of abuse, it is such an expense but it is worth it’.
• ‘I’m glad we only had boys, I wouldn’t have wanted a girl’
• ‘He (the Churchwarden) shouldn’t hug you outside church…It might affect his CRB check if people see him.

Even then, unaware of the undercurrents, her obvious problem with abuse was there, and I remember how surprised I was when she said things about her fears. 

And also how hurtful her constant reminders to me were, that I was not the daughter her husband said I was.

The emotional damage was so bad, the doctor thought I had a virus.