Polo’s recent letter to the Bishop

Dear ye,
who do not have the courtesy to reply to serious emails.

I do not know the full reasons why the Steel Report has not been published. I do not know who that person is who appears to have successfully prevented publication through the threat of legal action. I do not know if the threat is a serious one, and is so taken by the Bishop, or if it has been seized upon as a useful excuse to bury a biased and deficient report, at least for the moment.

One aspect of this, which you may not have considered is this.

It is clear that the report will be biased and will not give HG her due, any more that did Korris. This report appears to be worse as Dame Steel did not interview HG or the Churchwarden concerned, any more than did Korris, but Steel is reliably reported to have very negative views about HG despite never having met her. Steel is also a known crony of the Jersey establishment and appears to have offered her services which were accepted by a gullible Bishop. It is no wonder the Jersey establishment are going apeshit at the lack of publication of their carefully orchestrated report.

Meanwhile, HG, the vulnerable lady at the centre of all of this is living in terror of the publication of the report. She was already on the autism spectrum and suffering from PTSD when the Jersey church shredded her confidence, robbed her of the life she had struggled to build, and, conveniently for them, dumped her on the streets of the mainland. A self satisfied, overfed, church dealing with a victim of its own shortcomings in this way is not a pretty sight. The publication of the report is likely to be a body blow to what remains of her shredded life.

If you do not intend publishing Steel, you should say so. This would, at least, alleviate some of the victim’s terror and stop the baying of the Jersey hounds. The current situation constitutes inhuman and degrading treatment of the victim. Has this ever occurred to you or are you too preoccupied with your own internal problems, cash flows, and the defence of the indefensible

If you do publish the report, be aware that Dame Steel’s credibility has already been conclusively undermined in the eyes of those who matter to the Lord and you will be making a further fool of yourself and your inadequate and unheeding church. You will also be showing your utter contempt for the victim of your corrupt actions.

Yours, not really expecting a reply, like the last two times,

Pól Ó Duibhir
Dublin, Ireland

Post 1 -Other people’s perspectives

I am going to start comiling lists of links to other bloggers posts about my case. Starting with Bob Hill’s blogs.
Bob bases his posts on the Korris report a lot, which can make them inaccurate and traumatic at times, but he also has a lot of paperwork and in depth knowledge of States and Police processes.
 I think that as he has kept these posts about me up, he wont mind me linking and thus increasing traffic to his balanced and insightful blog. Especially as he does things without asking. 🙂
Remember, these blogs are not my opinion nor necessarily my true story, but they do help with background, but they were written by a good and honest man who was doing his best.

Bob Hill 2013/14:

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/the-dean-bishop-and-good-shepherds-fact.html

http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/the-dean-and-voice-in-wilderness.html

http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/jerseys-dean-and-victims-tale.html

http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/jerseys-dean-victory-or-climb-down.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/jerseys-dean-did-punishment-fit-crime.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/jerseys-dean-diocese-of-winchester.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/jerseys-dean-red-letter-day.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/jerseys-dean-meaningless-apologies.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/jerseys-dean-doubting-thomases.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/jerseys-dean-another-meaningless-apology.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/jerseys-dean-and-silly-season.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/jerseys-dean-laitys-jep-advert.html

 http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/jerseys-dean-dame-heather-saint-or.html

  http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/jerseys-dean-dame-heather-saint-or.html

Bob Hill – An honest man

Bob Hill has been mentioned in a previous post about what happened in November.
I guess I want to balance that negative post. I had to post it because what happened in November was awful, and no-one knew my side of it.

Bob is a good, honest, caring man, he fights for social justice in Jersey, the only problem being that he and Mike Higgins haven’t quite got the hang of getting permission to make representations and referrals of people, which is really important, examples being that Bob and Julie and Christine Daly went behind my back to make arrangements and that collided disasterously with the Diocese doing the same, with the end result of me being very hurt and angry and no help at all being arranged; and also Mike Higgins repeatedly causing me pain by bringing my case up in the States and meeting cover ups, untruths and libels of me which I was unprepared for.

Bob got his BEM because of his work with vulnerable people, and he continued the good work when he returned to Jersey after leaving the MET police and becoming a deputy in the States of Jersey, he has been a voice for numerous vulnerable people in Jersey, and if only I had known him while I was in Jersey, he might have prevented what happened in the end.

Problems with Bob trying to represent me included the sheer disstance, basically we needed to talk face to face and hardly got a chance to, and with me being on the streets, skype was not a viable option most of the time, we tried skype but the signal would go, even when I had somewhere safe to skype.
Another problem was, it was a big and complex case, made worse by the untruths spread by the Jersey Deanery about my past, so that I spent a huge amount of time trying to explain myself about that and never overcame the blank trauma enough to tell Bob my story in Jersey, and Bob chose to believe the Korris report over my story, and repeatedly told me that my side of what happened with the police didn’t, sadly my police records, already distorted by incorrect police recording, were open to abuse by wrongdoers involved, but I told Bob the truth and there would be no point in my lying, but he couldn’t accept my side.

Bob’s involvement of Julie in confidential matters and as if he worked inseparably with her on my case, without my consent, and apparently with Gladwin and Daly’s influence, meant I felt demoralised and as Julie insinuated I was in the wrong in Jersey, I realised I was betrayed. But Bob didn’t see fit to apologise and instead, blamed me.

Bob’s blogs are very good, but as well as traumatising me, they are not entirely accurate and tend to give his view, what he has heard and read, and debates with other people such as the Home Affairs Minister who is a reader in the church in Jersey, and a friend of the Churchwarden’s, according to the Churchwarden. So how could his answers be accurate.

Bob, without any doubt whatsoever, wanted something done about the injustice, he wanted people to be accountable and he wanted what was best for me.
Sadly the obstacles he faced included the case being so complex that he regularly forgot or omitted facts I told him, he sent information to Gladwin and Daly that would not be helpful and he had not been asked to send, he was also, and most importantly, up against super-powerful members of church/state/judiciary/church, who are apparently infallible, invincible and able to get away with pretty much anything they like, as well as being able to get people like the Dean let off without question.

I believe Bob worked very very hard to try and help me, and he took a lot of flak trying to defend me, and I am very grateful to him, I was badly represented by the Korris report and then smeared by the Jersey Deanery while the Diocese stood by like a leaderless and frightened flock, not knowing where to turn and certainly not supporting me. I took some of that nasty flak and libel and slander directly, Bob didn’t divert it all, and it has wounded me that people who do not know me, and never met me were self-righteously judging me and condemning me even on church websites such as ‘clerical whispers’ and ‘Thinking Anglicans’ (now there’s an oxymoron).

Bob, with his firm stand on my side, was a pillar of strength and hope, while we waited for the Church of England to make good the damage they did, sadly they let us down, but Bob’s efforts were great, it is just a tremendous pity that he could not take my full story, face to face, and the poor man didn’t really really understand me himself.

In the beginning, he told me he didn’t understand mental health, he wasn’t medically trained, it took a long time and lots of information and my psychological report for him to understand, hopefully, that I was not ‘seriously mentally ill’ as such, but that autism combined with very severe trauma and psychological harm from my background is what lead to me going mad under the terrible pressure I was under in Jersey from the backlash when I was still in a very bad way from being regressed and abused in Jersey.

The fact I was left regressed and childlike after parting company with the abusive churchwarden played a big part in things, and is omitted from Korris, but being regressed and abused and facing  the backlash was simply too much for me after my background of severe violence and trauma, this, in a small community like Jersey, a complaint against a well-connected churchwarden. I was treated very bad. And so called ‘Christians’ on websites and in the Church, who have judged and condemned me publicly and to Bob, should be ashamed of themselves, shouyld try going through what I went through with the conditions I have, and see if they do any better.

Bob has put in hundreds of hours of epic work in trying to help and defend me, but the distance and the fact he needed the full story and couldn’t get it, didn’t help.

Bob’s blogs are admirable in that he is very honest and balanced and set a good example to me, he set a good example in manners, honesty and courtesy, which actually encouraged me to try to be the same, notably in my dealings with the diocese, Bob’s way of being polite and understating things, as he frequently does, led to me sometimes doing the same, although not always, because I am me, and I am angry about how I have been treated.  But although my letter to the Jersey Deanery was all my own work -well, actually I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what to write, I did base my style of writing on Bob’s.

Bob deserves a medal, so it is hardly surprising that he has one.
(I once tried to nominate Philip LeClaire for a MBE medal for his similar great work, but was quite puzzlingly shunned and treated quite rudely by other people who I asked to support that nomination, which remains a raw mystery to this day).

Julie described Bob as pragmatic, and said it was a good thing he was because she and I weren’t. I am not sure what the word means, I think it is unemotional and stable and calm.
Bob is very calm and did not seem to understand when he calmly told me terrible and worrying and traumatic things, that I could not be calm, because the trauma I had suffered and was suffering, was too much for me, Bob not being on the receiving end of the Korris, Gladwin and Steel reports did not seem to grasp how injurious these reports could be to a vulnerable and struggling life, especially as the Korris report did me so much harm, and the Steel report was to destroy me on behalf of the Deanery, and the Diocese were refusing to stop it.

Bob is a lovely kind man, very solemn and serious though, one of the main things that helps me to communicate is humour, and Bob was very much a policeman, politician, he couldn’t work with me through humour as notable others have and do, but Bob is one of the most genuine, kind and altruistic people I have ever met, and I have met a few.

The November issues and their lack of resolution meant that I couldn’t trust Bob, because the level of damage done meant that I could not risk that happening again and could not risk letting Bob involve other people and cause more disasters. His comments about me not having many friends and not trusting people infuriated me, he does not understand that until the reactive attachment disorder is treated effectively, I have to keep people at arm’s length or I hurt them, that is a horrible reality, only people who can not get emotionally involved and can trust me to look after myself, and can stay calm if I get upset, can stay alongside me now, sad as that is. And as for trust, it goes without saying, I can’t not have a trust problem after everything that has happened, and Bob needling about it does not help.

Bob is a good man, credit to him for every single thing that he has done for me and for others, including the fact that he looks after his lovely wife when she is not well.
God bless him.

What really happened, Bob Hill, Julie Wallman and the breakdown that they and the Church caused me in November 2013

Bob Hill got involved in my case initially without my consent, producing blogs that weren’t and could not be accurate because he was producing them from information from the Korris report, which is a load of rubbish that injures me and covers up for Jane Fisher’s wrongdoing.

I was injured to read Bob’s blogs initially but was fascinated and astonished by the comments in support of me, hence me getting in touch with Bob.

Bob then took over, wanting all the information, which I was simply too traumatised to share, and trying to state ‘facts’ that weren’t facts, and as time went on, his ‘statement of facts’ started to cause me to break down, he didn’t seem to have any understanding of how traumatized I was and how damaging it was for him to keep putting me through what had happened and still not being prepared to accept my side of things.

For example, he refused over and over again to accept my side of what happened with the police, reminiscent of Jane Fisher telling me that the Dean was neutral and that I was to see him again about my complaint when I was in Jersey, you cannot tell someone with autism that what happened to them didn’t.

So, early on, I had bulldozer Bob nearly drive me to suicide from Trauma, in May 2013, I think, and those of you who are outraged about me saying anything against Bob, have you any idea the cost to me of him inaccurately representing me and refusing my side of things?

The Jersey police dispute, what happened, and what Bob claims.

I was not given a ‘warning’ about the Dean, I returned from 3 weeks on the run in the UK as a result of Jane Fisher and Tracy working together to try and have me put away. I was told I had to see the police, the policeman waffled and said that it was to do with Jane Fisher and an ‘allegation of harassment form’ and that it was about getting both sides of things and he said about the Dean being swept under the carpet, he wrote on a bit of paper, he got the woman from victim support to sign it, he said it was an ‘allegation of harassment form’ and that it didn’t even go on my file.
 I was not given a warning about the Dean, nor was I in any contact with the Dean, nor had I been apart from going to his house to protest about his refusal of responsibility and his protection of the Churchwarden, I did not go there swearing and shouting as claimed in court, and did not swear or shout, the Dean called me wicked and said I was not abused and that I ‘went round doing this to everyone’ stating I had ‘done the same to the Lihous and JM and FM, not explaining what exactly or why he was in a position to judge or the difference between FM abusing me and the Lihous not abusing me.

Bob Hill’s version of events is that I got a harassment order and that it was collectively about the Dean and the Diocese, and Bob Hill has called me a liar over this and given me a breakdown.
I did not receive a harassment order, I was not told that, I was told that what was written was an allegation of harassment form and that it did not go in my file.

Bob Hill has never accepted my side of things, never even been willing to hear my side of things, and instead of representing my case, he has called me a liar, he has refused to read and accept documents I sent him, over and over, coming out with his own version of events and basing these on the Korris Rubbish rather than my story, which has been hell for me, over and over, telling him, with an increasingly failing voice, what happened to me, but he repeats the same inaccuracies from Korris that protect Jane Fisher and deny my experiences, especially with the police.

It became increasingly clear that my case was fodder for Bob’s vendetta against ‘injustice’ and ‘lack of human rights’ in Jersey, as he went on and on about my arrest and deportation, seemingly forgetting that I was a human being and he was injuring me by making me relive the trauma but still refusing my side of things and refusing to acknowledge or accept what had happened to me on my return to Winchester, making this out to be just about me ‘visiting the Bishop and getting arrested’, when in reality the Bishop and Jane Fisher maligned and defamed me to all authorities and police and churches in winchester and the police refused to deal with my complaint and protect me, and instead treated me as if I was mad.

I was shouted at, I was spoken about in terrible ways, and Winchester, formerly my home town, became a place of shame and horror for me, where after the terrible events in Jersey, I was not allowed to find peace but was branded and treated terribly.
Bob refused all this, and the Diocese having me brutalized and detained by police on 14/02/13 and repeatedly claimed it was all about me visiting the Bishop – from the Korris report again,
Bob was not interested in the injustice there but preferred to go on pushing the Jersey arrest and deportation matter, still omitting my side of it and making me out to be  me a liar when I told him my side.
Having a mediator who wont believe you or take in your side of things is terribly wounding.

Having sent Bob statements as attachments, I was very upset that he obviously never read them, and sometimes claimed that he could not open them and that thus no-one else who was sent them could read them, which was rubbish because they were opened and read by others, I sent him everything by email instead, he still didn’t read them.
He proceeded to publish links to the Korris report and publish rubbish from the Korris report that injured me, notably when he published a whole load of the rubbish on VoiceforChildren’s blog and left me in collapse. Voice was kind enough to remove that rubbish but nonetheless it became increasingly hard for me to believe in Bob Hill because he was hurting me with the report, and simply refused to stop. Doing it his way, as always.
It remains to this day that Bob Hill upholds a report that severely severely damaged me and led to me being shunned and shamed yet again in my community after what fisher had done to me in winchester and beyond.

 The Korris report severely injures me to cover Jane Fisher’s back. It is not an accurate representation of my experiences, and if Bob was on my side, he should have been prepared to hear my story rather than driving me mad with a report that does not represent me.
I am in wholehearted agreement with the Jersey Deanery in their attempt to have the Korris rubbish removed from the Diocesan website, it is henious rubbish that should not have been produced let alone published all over the web to humiliate and degrade me or any member of the church.

November last year was truly the end, after suffering from March last year, everything went terrible in November.

One thing that went wrong was Deputy Mike Higgins, playing this game that deputies in Jersey do of baiting the real politicians in Jersey, and he used my name in vain, without consulting me and without warning, asking the home affiars minister, who is a church reader and friend of my abuser, why I was deported in my pyjamas, which the home affairs minister denied, even though I was, and so I was libelled by the home affirs minister and by the JEP, traumatizing me. Higgins had nothing to say to me when I emailed him, and neither did Bob Hill, his close friend and colleague. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Higgins did the same again recently, sparking lies about safeguurding in Jersey attempting to contact me for my views for a report that is apparently already written and claims that I didn’t suffer any misconduct from the police.#
For me this is doubly traumatic, I still cannot express what happened to me in Jersey, firstly because I am too traumatized and secondly because Bob Hill has rubbished my experiences and overriden them with his version of events.
I am well aware that Jersey safeguarding will proceed with this, another damning report without even trying to contact me and will claim that they did, and all Higgins has done is brought this to my attention and made me suffer it.

What Bob Hill and Mike Higgins do not understand is that you cannot help someone, nor can you advocate human rights, if you do these things without the person’s consent, not even warning them, and if you do not warn someone with autism that you are doing something like that, you can cause them terrible shock, as this did, twice.

Anyway, back to November. Duped.

Bob wanted me to make contact with a woman called Julie Wallman, who claims to be a film writer, producer etc etc, she claimed to want to help me, and because I am open to open and honest help, so I agreed to meet with Julie.
I had no idea if her film career was real and didn’t care, past experiences of people making things up mean that I am quite happy to listen, take things with a pinch of salt and enjoy agreeable company.

She went on about how she would get me involved on set and how we would make a movie together, and as I am sure any neurotypical would, I though ‘here we go’, because you don’t make plans like that when you first meet someone.

She then told me she would share some of her background with me, talking about her past in Jersey, talking about an alcoholic mother and a terrible childhood.
But then she decided to tell me something else, and it stands out that she told me she ‘ had to close her eyes to tell me’.
Basically because she was lying. And we both knew it, and it sickens me.

She claimed that she had gone back to Jersey as an adult with her ‘film career’ and Philip Bailhache had taken her under his wing and been her mentor, (yeah, of course), and she had been getting on great with him until he presided as a judge over her boyfriend’s case and put him in prison for 12 months.
 Yeah.

I don’t think I believed this even at the time, especially with the eyes closed bit.

She went on about Philip Baihache’s liberation day speech next.Saying it was a knife or something to all jersey abuse victims.

anyway, with me presumably swallowing it all, hook, line and sinker, because I am an idiot, we moved on to the next stage, also very fake and staged. And also containing lies.

It was all about accommodation, she wanted to get me housed.
She kept going on about me having a door where I can shut the world out. She didn’t realise that police break doors down and diocese can make life hell anywhere you stay long enough.

I wasn’t fully aware that it was a set-up by then, but I had misgivings. I had stayed in a bed and breakfast the night before, somewhere I sometimes stayed for respite.
Julie wanted their contact details so she could arrange for me to stay longer while we organized me a home, and because I believed her to be independent and a friend of Bob Hill’s, I trusted her with this.

Bob has always yapped on about how I don’t trust people and I should, he completely misses the point and what has happened to me when he does that, because in this case, as in any where I feel I am on neutral or safe ground, I trust, and yet again my trust was violently betrayed.
Bob needs to change the broken record and actually look at why and where I trust and don’t trust, for example I gave him my trust straight away and he has betrayed it.

Anyway, this Julie told me she was going to claim to be my cousin and arrange for me to stay at the bed and breakfast on pretence that I had a thesis to work on and that I needed peace and quiet. She was lying, she did nothing of the kind.
She told me she would have to go and make the call privately, which aroused my suspicion at once.
And the fact is, she lied to me, which was confirmed by the bed and breakfast manager, I wonder how Bob Hill continues to try and tell me I should trust? After all that?

So, it was arranged for me to go and stay in the bed and breakfast, and Julie wanted me to read her ‘scripts’ and said she would get me ‘on set’ and she would meet me again soon when her ‘cheque’ for a film came through.
I was not really comfortable with her paying for me, i am not a user no matter what the wicked judgemental church say, I am in poverty and thus sometimes dependent, but I went to the bed and breakfast, and I read the ‘scripts’, and I worried, because I knew the situation was unnatural and risky.

Julie and Bob came up with ideas of getting my story heard, a lawyer and a journalist, and Bob put together a statement and again it was inaccurate rubbish from Korris rather than my story, I was instantly traumatized and wanted to commit suicide and told him I would if he did it again, and i wasn’t joking, every time I have had to see my story distorted to cover fisher’s back in the past year, I have wanted to die because I cannot live with the lies against me.
So then Julie was screaming mad at me for being angry and distressed, and she was telling me Bob had worked so hard on that lying rubbish, and Bob was telling me to ‘go and read the scripts Julie gave me’, so suddenly instead of a mediator I had this couple, Bob and Julie, inseparable and screwing with my life.

Julie then said she couldn’t afford to support me and she was going to set John Gladwin on me, well after being let down by Gladwin and his colleague Christine Daly, the idea that I was being called a burden and thus deserved Gladwin who let me down, violating my life and privacy and security when I was in a vulerable and traceable place, was horrifying! I could not believe Bob had let me be set up.
But he had. And I was defenceless, traceable and felt in immediate danger of police attacks by the diocese.

But Julie and Bob then claimed they wouldn’t alert Gladwin.

Julie then said to forget the lawyer and the journalist and that she wanted to just get me housed, this sudden statement after threatening to set gladwin on me, told me that there was something wrong here, but I could prove nothing, although I made it very clear to Julie that I was unhappy about this and did not trust her.
She started on about how a ‘rich friend might help her with housing me’ but this was not acceptable to me. I believed by now that things were wrong, and that Bob Hill was allowing things to be wrong. But I didn#’t know until that saturday that they had betrayed me.

Julie sent a very strange email to me and Bob in the early hours of the morning, it just read ‘you guys are the best!’.
To me, this looked like either a drunken email or from someone very vulnerable and friendless, I was immediately concerned for her and carried out a conversation through the early hours with her, I wondered if either she or Bob knew that vulnerable survivors should not work to try and heal other survivors, and that it was really bad for one vulnerable person to help another as a panacea for their own problems, an example is Jill Lihou taking over my life and other lives because of her mental illness, with disasterous results.

Anyway, I didn’t have much time to worry as the full-blown attack was launched within the next few days.

Bob and Julie, instead of contacting Gladwin who had let me down, contacted Christine Daly, his colleague who had let me down even more by her promises that never came to anything, of more meetings that would tell my story.

So they went behind my back, contacted someone who let me down, put me at immediate risk from the church of england and caused me a breakdown.

But I didn’t know, and found out by accident.
It was the diocese, launching an attack at the same time that exposed it.

This was around November 19th?
The Bishop emailed me in his usual bullying way, refusing as ever to go through Bob, demanding that I read his emails or ‘get a friend to read them’, he had aggressively approached me in this way in the summer and I had spent 24 hours telling him in every way possible that he was not to email me and not to jeer about me getting friends to open emails, as the diocese took all my dearest friends from me in 2010 and 2011 and had me publicly humiliated in a way that I will never recover from.

Anyway, I freaked, it was a Saturday and I tried to contact Bob Hill but he was out for his bike ride so I contacted Julie, as, against my wishes, they were liasing about me all the time.
I was startled to say the least, by her reaction.
She was in Jersey and she told me not to panic and that she would fly home.
Now that is a strange reaction isn’t it? That she would give up her holiday with her boyfriend, presumably the one that Bailhache put in prison and fly home because the Diocese had launched on me? No, something was very odd about this.

But I had no idea what.

Until Bob came on line, and he started saying it must be something to do with his and Julie’s discussions with Christine Daly, that the diocese had intervened.
I absolutely hit the roof, I was furious and Bob refused to stay online and talk to me after breaking that horrifying news, I had been violated, and they couldn’t even be bothered to help me to calm down and cope, they just left me in a shocked state, with aggression from the diocese and the knowledge that I was no longer safe and hidden.

I had a collapse and temporarily lost use of my right hand side, again, thankfully it didn’t last long, it has happened a few times, but my top right spine and skull are damaged and it possibly stems from that and shock.

Anyway, I was furious, I had been betrayed and had put all my personal details at risk from Julie, and thus Christine and the police. Bob and Julie offered no reassurance, Bob accused me of making them ill, well I wonder what he thought they had done to me then! Apparently he didn’t care. And that is what gets me about this, what excuse do they have for violating me but a pretence of care? And how did they react to my anguish? Any reassurance or comfort? No, Bob claimed his patience was wearing thin, and as ever, omitting my side of things, went on about how I had been so nasty and unkind to him all the time.
Well then, when did he ever take my side of my story and represent me accurately and not traumatizing me with the Korris rubbish? When? Did he expect me to be nice when he made me relive the police and prison? And then rubbished me repeatedly over it?

Anyway, I told the Diocese where to get off, they got a legal letter from me.

I also explained to Christine Daly why her involvement was henious. Put as politely as possible.
I think it is very strange how since then Bob has called these Church people a shower of creeps, but yet he allowed them to seriously harm me by betraying me to them.

Anyway, I was now in collapse, terrified of every movement in the bed and breakfast because I expected the police, I knew I could jump out the window but police would probably be round the back as well, I was terrified and could not sleep.
I was completely without support or safety, I could now be traced, identified and utterly destroyed.

Then I was getting emails from the nspcc on behalf of the diocese, so I warned them for harassment and barely managed to convey on the blog at the time my revulsion and disgust that I had been set upon by a peadophile harbouring charity that did nothing for me in 17 years suffering with my family.

It has been more recently I have shared that more coherently, but the diocese had no right to refer me anywhere without my consent, and it disgusts me beyond belief that fisher, who destroyed me and who I have made numerous formal complaints against, was allowed to jeer by setting the nspcc on me, after the Korris cover up of her behaviour which Bob Hill believes, after the way she destroyed me and got me a police and sectioning record, fisher was allowed to illegally refer me to the nspcc.
So the nspcc got a copy of the legal letter.

Then the Bishop of Winchester released one of the silliest press releases anyone has ever heard, claiming the steel report could not be released due to legal action, well I have no idea who took legal action or why, but it set the Ould bully off jeering and claiming firstly that I didn’t have the intelligence to take action and then that it might have been me that took action.

It was not me that stopped the Steel report, I believe it was the same person who has destroyed me, as if that would change the fact that she has destroyed me and that she should be sacked.
I remain unprotected from the diocese and thus unable to live, knowing that I am branded on all records and my side remains omitted from all reports and that eventually the Diocese will, directly or indirectly kill me, living as I am on an unstable foundation of a criminal and sectioning record that omits my side, means anyone can abuse me and i cannot report them and that the police, as and when they get me, can beat me to death, something they frequently do to vulnerable people and never face action. I have suffered repeated police brutality that has never been brought to justice, it affects me profoundly each day and is not something I will ever be able to recover from, especially as it will not be acknowledged nor will the injustice of why the police got me and did not also deal with the diocese.

Anyway, the Bishop’s silly statement didn’t go down well, and I wrote one in reply, I was not impressed that the Bishop was using the same prayers-to-control -people rubbish that Satandrews used to use, ie saying he ‘prayed I would accept the ‘help’ (violation) that the diocese offered.
After what fisher has done to me, and after all the money wasted on villifying me in the past year, setting a peadophile harbouring ineffective children’s charity on me was the biggest insult they could have come up with, and the Bishop added to it by claiming to be ‘called to help the lost the last and the least’, well I guess he had better refer himself and his diocese to the nspcc then!

I had been suffering waiting for the Steel report to destroy me, and that had been adding terribly to the other stresses such as Julie and Bob, I still do not understand why they betrayed me to my destroyers at the point I was about to be destroyed, but Bob had no answer but blame of me.

Bob had apparently met with Steel during this November period, but being without my story, Bob had to ask me if the henious lies she repeated from her report were true.
At the time that caused  me to be sick too. Apparently it was claimed that I went round threatening people in their homes and the Dean saw me because of a complaint about me from the churchwarden, rather than about the abuse. Sick. Apparently Steel interviewed a lawyer clergyman from the Deanery who had never met me and was using the Lihous, the Warren’s parents who harmed me, against me, just as the Dean had when I was in Jersey, again without my side being heard.
But obviously as Bob has never actually got my story, he could not change that.

Bob had previously caused problems by sending unhelpful information to John Gladwin and Christine Daly. Basically Bob, despite his position and expertise, was ineffective as mediator because he refused to ever take my side of things but used the Korris rubbish which is not my side of things, instead.

I was depending on Bob to defend me and put my side accross, but sadly he never did, and right to the end he was blaming me, claiming I didn’t trust anyone, but refusing to acknowledge that I trusted him, and Julie, and his ‘you don’t trust anyone’ became a meaningless accusatory broken record.

I remember Julie in another bizarre conversation, claiming that Bob and his wife were doing all they could for me and said that ‘they were happy to be doing all this for HG’, I doubt very much that is right, Bob and his wife never called me HG, they used my name.

I was particularly horrified when, after all the severe upset caused by the diocese trying to force the nspcc on me, some idiots in Jersey decided it would be a funny joke to send the Dean money for me, and I hope those people go and walk off a cliff for it because it was very very far from funny for me. Bob started emailing me and ranting about it, asking if I wanted that money sent to THE NSPCC FOR ME!
Bob Hill was no longer my mediator, he had become someone who really went out of their way to injure me, and he succeeded.

He and Mike Higgins recently arranged that second ‘question in the states’ that left me injured and ill again. And I wonder, why does Bob think I need another enemy when Jane Fisher and her Diocese will eventually kill me with their violations.

Bob condoning that horrifying violation of me by Jane Fisher and the NSPCC after I had made a formal complaint against Fisher that Bob tries to deny the existance of because he can’t read his emails, and after what happened to me at Fisher’s hands in Winchester, why on earth does BOb think that I would willingly walk into anything that te creature who got me a record, ruined me and has lied her way out of responsibility for, has arranged?
It got beyond Bob making mistakes, he is, as far as I am concerned, on the side of the same people he called a ‘shower of creeps’, he is most certainly not on my side.
He even published Peter Ould’s jeers on his blog and pointedly encouraged Christine Daly to read Ould’s rubbishing of my case. But he kept omitting my comments.
Who needs the Diocese with a mediator like Bob?

Those who wonder what happened to me in that terrible November, I was still recovering from flu as Bob and Julie and the Church attacked my life, I was weak and did not get my strength back, I was terrified that the police were going to stop me fleeing the bed and breakfast and I knew that even if I did flee, I could be traced and named because of the bed and breakfast and so I would have to change my name again.
I put up with some nastiness from the bed and breakfast owner, who went on about Julie, and it was obvious she had lied through her teeth to me.
But, thanks to a certain angel, who emailed me just as I was due to return to the streets, and thanks to a phew phonecalls, we were able to safely get me out of there and free, until the next attack.

I was astounded when Julie contacted me a month later, obviously intent on re-starting the whole farce. I cannot believe that either she or Christine Daly would be stupid enough to think that I would actually walk back into a trap that I had fled from.

The combined severe psychological damage to me of what happened in November last year, has not gone, not been obliterated, it remains with all the other damage, building up to the day Jane Fisher has me killed.

The Church, through Christine Daley and their plant, Julie Wallman, achieved a massive victory in the damage to me in November, not least removing Bob Hill as my mediator, although I think I should turn it around and say he was not a good mediator, he had his own agenda and would not take my story, so he couldn’t help me, so they have done me a favour.

Anything and Everything

By 2010, I wasn’t ‘mentally ill’ in the way the Deanery and Diocese have always wanted it to read, but I was in a state of severe collapse, and because of the combined way that the Diocese, Police and Islanders had treated me because of me reporting the churchwarden, I certainly trusted no-one, but that is not the serious mental illness that the diocese and deanery always broadcast me as having, that was a reaction to the seriousness of the situation, in every way, I was in poverty, I was being hurt, the injustice and the way I was treated in a small community was unbearable, especially as I was already severely damaged both from my horrific background and also from my experiences in the Diocese of Winchester previous to Jersey.

I was in a bad way, and I knew it, but help was scarce in Jersey, the psychology services had not yet installed their new specialist psychologist that I and others had campaigned for, effective counselling that I could afford was not available, (I had seen two Jersey counsellors and neither were effective), I was too damaged for counselling and cannot actually engage and bond with a counsellor or therapist unless they are specialist or can work with me through art.

Social services were not able to help, nor did I feel safe with them due to my childhood, and I am incensed that Jane Fisher was allowed in any way to violate my relationship with social services and have lies recorded in the Korris report, I saw social services voluntarily and I saw them originally due to reporting the churchwarden, saw them voluntarily on suggestion by the man at Autism Jersey. I saw them later as my life floundered in 2010 but was too wary due to my background and was not actually finding it helpful, thus it was my right to stop seeing them, and I am incensed by the violation and insinuations about this in the Korris report, firstly it was none of the Diocese’s business, and any involvement by them is a violation of my human rights and harassment, and secondly the Korris report using it as evidence against me to validate Jane Fisher’s illegal involvement and harassment of me is just shocking.

By the end of my time in Jersey I was waiting for my psychology appointment with the new specialist, I was under my doctor and was trying to take anti-depressants, which I am allergic to, all brands, because my system cannot process them.
(I am sensetive to many medicines and have to be very careful, and yet this is one of many things that was overlooked for years in the UK and Jersey until after so many let downs, I have pro-actively taken over my own care, because the NHS seem incapable of even following up on any concerns and thanks to the diocese, really do not understand me at all).

Anti-depressants affected both my life from when I left my family and also my time in Jersey, causing severe mood swings and physical illness and also deep depressions, and despite how I still have behavioural problems, I am profoundly more stable than I was with those dangerous chemicals in my system, as I needed some more specific and natural help. Anti-depressants may work for some people with the ‘illness’ depression, but my depression has specific causes, life circumstances, past and present, and hormones, the latter of which has been treated since Jersey and the other can only be worked through, and I take 5-HTP every day to try and help, but chemical anti-depressants were lethal for me and did not help, made it worse on some of them, especially the one Jill Lihou had me put on on the pretext that she would control and administer it as it was potentially harmful.

I am not one of these activists against anti-depressants, they apparently save lives, but they are harmful to me, and I was told by a rare ‘good mental health worker’, about the behind the scenes side of the tests done into anti-depressants, which did not really prove them safe.
That same mental health worker said I did not appear to be mentally ill, and said that my fears that led to me wanting another psychiatric assessment because of the Diocese (this was in 2012!) were unneccessary.

The computer is playing up, so I will stop there and start another post later.

Jersey 2010 a snapshot while I can keep the memories

I used to love the early morning, I often woke at 4am, and would drink hot tea and go out, usually in Jersey I would go out for a drive in the early morning, and would go down to whatever bay or up to whatever cliff, and sit in my car and look at the sea.
I loved the sea in the dark, the quiet, the solitude, alone in all the world, it was awesome.

As time with the churchwarden progressed, his wife’s depression impacted on me, and as she used to be up early, clattering crockery around, which was noisy and a sensory overload for me, I began to associate early mornings with that, and the joy of the early morning faded and it instead became associated with depression and futility, a few more hours in a day not worth living.

But in 2010, very sick with depression and insomnia since my dad’s illness and death, I was usually up at 4am, and would drink my tea with no comfort or happiness, and would go out driving through the quiet island, down to St. Ouens and St. Clems, two of my favourite bays.
But the joy of that time of morning and the joy of life had gone, I had realised how worthless I was by then and could feel the condemnation of the Church, which impacted on, and affected, every single area of my life, I mean, when doctors at your surgery are part of the guilty churches and can access your records and change them, in an island where honesty is not so important, and that is just part of it, how can you escape?

That is not paranoia but a very real scenario, which will be discussed in another post, I have to admit, my posts during this early morning are showing the extremes because I feel extreme when I wake from such nightmares as I have, but this is actually a good outlet to get me back on an ‘even keel’ by morning.

Anyway, I can tell you, I was suffering in Jersey in 2010, the diocese (Jane Fisher) in denying what I was going through and implying I was paranoid, had vastly damaged me, and I was suffering, knowing for myself that in that little island, if you made the wrong enemies, life could be hell, this was further confirmed, despite Jane Fisher, by a member of the clergy, of all people, who said to me that ‘In Jersey, you have to keep your friends close and your enemies closer’, and also said that the Home Affairs Minister/former magistrate, was scared of him because he confronted him about ‘All those boys in LaMoye who shouldn’t be there’.
These horrifying statements validated me, and helped me to see that the diocese’s (Jane Fisher’s) denials of what I was going through were indeed just their covering opinion from the mainland, I mean, I knew my suffering was real, but Jane Fisher’s constant denials and insinuations of paranoia almost drove me both to despair and to believing her.
Safeguarding officer?
No, she undoubtedly wants me silenced again for at last being able to share some of this!

4am Nightmares

I woke at 3.30am with nightmares.
I woke up hot and distressed, dreaming about the police and that they came after me.
The problem is, I do have dreams that come true, the church probably did and will make that out to be madness, but I do.
The other problem is, I cannot always tell which dreams will come true and which wont, which are just general fear and flashback and bad memory dreams and which are potentially going to come true.
I have looked for but failed to find, the email about the dream where I prophesied the old Bishop having a stroke. I remember sending it, in the middle of the crazy last months in Jersey.
Because of the cult churches in Jersey I despise the word ‘prophetic’ because I heard it sickeningly misused over and over and over. They loved to abuse words like that and other words ‘infilling’ is another, ‘the infilling’ of the Holy Spirit, so many times it made me sick, and yet there was no Holy Spirit there in that darkness of the cult churches, just horrible games that were harmful to vulnerable people.
Funny how the cult church gang never got accused of insanity by the diocese, even though some of what they did bordered on insanity.

But anyway, those who print and save the blog, please do, just in case the diocese have lined up a healthy beating and locking up to lose me my home and the rebuild of my life, and most importantly to them, my computer and all the evidence.

I still cannot talk about the horrors of the police properly, all I can tell you is that in Jersey, long before I was brutalised and locked up in October 2010 , my records and the police view of things was damagingly inaccurate. That I had known other people who had experienced police injustice and brutality, including a police beating of an innocent man that led to his suicide, and that I had no proper understanding of the police procedures but knew that it was horribly unjust that they had sent the results of the churchwarden case to me by email and had in the same email advocated for my abuser, telling me to ‘leave the poor man alone’, while the ‘poor man’ was slandering me freely to his church and other influential friends in that small island and leaving me isolated and shunned, which the Korris report omits while Korris smarms the police by claiming they sent me a nice letter etc, which it remains a fact they did not, I received no letter from the police who sent me the results by email, advocated for the slandering abuser and had me captured, brutalized and detained the same day as the email.

That, peeps, is the very tip of the iceberg, because even though I need to tell you the rest, because I have been so badly slandered and left voiceless, I am too distressed and traumatized to tell you everything, and my brain keeps shutting off everything that has happened.

Judged

To me, every day that this Winchester and Jersey farce goes on, waiting for reports to be published without my side of things, I am on trial, judged and condemned with no voice and no representation.
It makes what would otherwise be a calm basic life, very painful and difficult.
I carry all the guilt and shame of my anger anyway, why do they think publicly flogging me helps?

Why?

Another question to add to previous ones.
Why, if I was a mad bad troublemaker, did the Churchwarden work so hard to get me to stay in Jersey?
When did I become a mad bad troublemaker?
After all, by the time I was finishing my first job in Jersey and looking to move on to France, the Churchwarden and his wife and the Vicar and his wife and the church had known me for several months, and even at the time the Vicar’s wife was saying I needed to settle and stay in Jersey and make a home.

Things changed when I started reacting to what the churchwarden was doing, and he began to discuss me behind my back with the Vicar and wife when I was living at his house, and they would speak to him and not me, after that time I went to them and said that he had told me that people in church were talking about him and me, and the Vicar said he would put a stop to it, and that ‘it tended to be certain people’, and then later the churchwarden said he had told the Vicar that everything was ok,
even then that puzzled me, why had he upset me by saying people were talking, and then told the Vicar that things were ok? And why did the Vicar and his wife stop speaking to me then?

The last of the general posts from ‘Homeless’ – the next step is to start sharing my story, which I wrote on ‘Homeless’

25/10/2011
my teeshirt is dirty with stains on it, my clothes are beginning to smell, I need a good shower and tidy up.
Thankfully I found my nailclippers and brush buried in the backpack yesterday and trimmed and scrubbed my dirty nails so they are neat and clean, and I brush my teeth even without toothpaste.

please tell me if my comparisons in the following ongoing poem are bitter, it’s just something I mull over, and it would be interesting for me to see on paper what I think, and I know that those of you who want me to be healed from what has happened might be a bit unsure of this, but healing will take a while yet.

The ongoing differences between Jesus and his teachings and the church and their way of doing things:

Jesus was born in poverty and without a proper home,
so was I,
most people in the churches where I was hurt were born into comfortable homes

Jesus was born  to his parents alone with no medical help, so was I,
the church people have pictures of mothers and babies in hospitals
that is all they know,

what is Christening? Jesus was baptised as an adult without the frills and showers of gifts that the church Christenings demand and the wealthy who have destroyed me take for granted, I was baptised as an adult by someone who emotionally harmed me, with a witness who sexually abused me, and with two other witnesses who upheld them, my baptism was rushed because of their hurry to have me confirmed into the church,
my baptism wasn’t the big family occasion with gifts and a party and drinking and dancing, neither was Jesus’s, but probably without exception, the party and gifts were what the people in the church had for their baptisms and their children’s baptisms.

That is enough of the poem of comparisons for some time.

It will go on to explain the comparisions between Jesus’ teachings and the way the church treated me.

I am reminded of how much the church have restricted and damaged me, and it breaks my heart and leaves me in despair.
I am reminded of how I smell homeless and it makes me sad.

I am reminded of the times when I sat in the college chapel, trying to teach myself grammar from a little book before class, my grammar isn’t too good, but I am not sure why, I think maybe my eagerness to talk means I do long convoluted and sometimes slightly confused sentences with too many colons and not enough full stops or semi-colons.

My book that I am looking at in between blogs is called ‘Louder than Words’, it is about a boy with autism and how his mother tries to get help for him.

I am about to continue the London blog, but some of this is cut and pasted from where I have written it elsewhere, so it may be in a slightly different style.

Here I am wanting to do loads of serious blogging and next to me are three noisy teenagers. I can’t control my environment so I will just have to live with it. Sigh.
Oh the teenagers have gone and there are just some elderly gentlemen doing genealogy on the computer next to me. oh no, some noisy children have taken the teenagers’ place.

I have been at one of the daycentres for several hours, trying to relax otherwise I end up tense with aching eyes and head.
At the daycentre I had some food and sat and relaxed and did some benefits paperwork and looked through some asthma paperwork. It is hard to just relax, and when I try to I am overwhelmed with bad memories.

I have no food or hot drinks until soup kitchen this evening unless I can get two more stickers for a hot drink.

I thought of so many things to write about but it is really hard to actually settle to write anything while there is so much noise and disruption, maybe half-term should be banned? part of my Asperger’s Syndrome is sensetivity to noise, which was a nightmare until I and other people learned about it.

What is it like having Aspergers Syndrome? Well it is difficult, because if I try to ‘Normalise’ too much I make myself ill and stressed, but the general public find me rather odd because I act and react in an an unexpected way to things, sometimes I simply react differently to someone who is neurotypical, sometimes I react to things other people don’t react to. I work really hard to tone down my reactions or explain them, but to try and completely ‘normalise’ someone with Aspergers Syndrome is simply damaging and painful.
I will be misunderstood and squashed for the rest of my life.
http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx

This is a link to the NAS section on Aspergers Syndrome or Asperger Syndrome. I often describe myself as high functioning autistic, as more people know what that is.

Asperger Syndrome for me involves difficulties in communication, understanding social situations and interaction, sensetivities to noise, heat and touch, some autistic behaviours such as rocking, thumb sucking, humming and doing repetetive things. I like a lot of extremely solitary time, and being homeless provides that delightful solitude, but unfortunately the tearing horrifying memories of the church ruin that solitude, so I have to have lifelines such as the Samaritans and Hopeline and the abuse helplines.
One of my Asperger eccentricities is toys, I find it hard to resist toys, hence the toy giraffe hitching a ride on my backpack, another thing that fascinates me is animals, animals of all kinds. I am always delighted with the wildlife that keeps me company as I sleep rough, apart from if it bites me or steals my food!

I speak less than is expected, I am very quiet in conversation, though on paper I can be very talkative and use big words that make people expect more of me verbally.

what more can I say, I am and always will be, slightly at odds with the world, not deliberately, and I will always be hurt by this difference, the church really used my inability to understand and cope when they destroyed me, they used it against me as strongly as they could in all departments, to make me out to be mad when I was distressed, to cover their own wrongs, to make things work their way, I was unable to cope with any of the church actions, from the defence and cover up of abuse and abusers to the attacks on me and my life and character.

There is a nice little book called ‘Stand up for Autism’ by Georgina Derbyshire, which is about her son who had High Functioning Autism, he was on a similar spectrum to me, varying between quite autistic and quite normal and he got into all sorts of muddles just as I do and have.

The other book that comes to mind when I think of abuse and cover ups is ‘Broken’, by Shy Keenan, her abusers always got to make out that she was a bad girl and that they hadn’t done anything wrong, cover ups while she suffered and suffered.
It is a bit of a harrowing story though, if you ever get to read it.

Anyway, excuse me a minute, I am going to sign out, I can’t write anything about the church while there is a noisy fidgety child next to me, I am sure children need to be in school more, I am sure half term is a bad idea.

22/10/2011 titled PAIN

I am trying to write about what has happened to me in order, but sometimes I want to get the terrible things that have been said and done out of my head.

Can I share some things with you in order to help me sleep better?

The person who was supposed to investigate and deal with my complaint of abuse told me that my abusers were ‘just Christians who got things wrong’, and yet the church leader called me wicked for reporting his friend for abuse.

After the church destroyed me, I managed to re-settle in a new church, until the diocese contacted them and ‘told them about me’, and the priest came and shouted at me and said he had ‘heard about me and what I had done’, he had not heard about what I had been through though and when I spoke about it he said he ‘couldn’t comment because he didn’t know anything about it’.
My abusers were not bad mouthed and blackened this way, they were told they were innocent by their friend, the church leader who got away with trying to close my complaint and support them and blacken my name.
My abusers were both accused previous to abusing me, one of abusing his own daughter and one of misconduct in a pastoral care role in a previous church that led to him being sacked from that role, and yet both these men were in positions in the church where they were able to prey on me.

preying, a speciality of the church. A place where vulnerable people go to seek shelter, and a place where abusers go to find vulnerable people and to gain power

21/10/2011

can I just share some things before I have to log off and go out into the cold?

some of the things that hurt and distress me every day (and this is the very tip of the iceberg)

The way church leaders lied and protected my abusers

The way I was called wicked and malicious and a troublemaker and a liar by the church

The way that the church brought false accusations against me rather than accept any responsibility for their actions and behaviours, the way they blamed and criminalised me.

The way they took my whole life from me and pretended that they were only caring and concerned, and made me out to be insane.

That is all I have time to write today, I am now going out into the cold dark world that I live and sleep in.

20/10/2011

http://www.wearesurvivors.org/?p=670

I know someone who tells me she was satanically abused in the church of England.
The problem is that she has mental health problems, problems get labels from Borderline personality disorder to paranoid schitzophrenia. She threatens violence and does very severe things, she is into druidism and spells.

The problem for me is that I know what it is like to be disbelieved, I know what it is like to be labelled insane, and for all I know, her behaviour could be because of the abuse, as my own wild anger and bizarre responses to the pressure from the church was, I am declared free from serious mental illness though, and I don’t threaten lives.
what should I do? believe her? It is hard to get any solid consistant details from her, or worry that I am feeding a fantasy if I support her?

19/10/2011
There are things I try not to think about:

abuse
things said and done
my lack of car and driving licence and how the church took both
my lack of bank account, also gone because of the church making me homeless
the terrible things that the church have said and done and denied
the lack of money and lack of future
the fact that the people who have hurt me and the people who have supported the hurters have got away with it
Dad’s death
Anne’s death – my friend who died after the diocese had driven a wedge between me and her
what G.P. has done – G.P was a close friend of my Dad and family, and last year he was arrested on child kidnap and porn charges, and there is no doubt he did those things but I hadn’t known he was that kind of guy, neither had my Dad, I think other members of the family did. (G.P. was a close family friend who was arrested while the Diocese were destroying me).
my family
my background
the millions of repercussions from what the church have done to me
how useless and ashamed and worthless I am, especially with the church labels
Thats enough for now.

19/10/2011 extract

If the church see this blog, I can imagine they will try to close it down, even though I am writing it in a way that does not overstep anything legal as far as I know, though I have been mistaken about that in the past.

18/10/2011 Memories – this appears to be the first post written on ‘Homeless’ -previous to that there was the paper journal.

Memories:

Every day is full is memories, I try not to let it be, I live in a stupor where memories are not allowed, but they break through anyway, flashes of memories, memories of my brothers tormenting me, my sister sneering at me from her position of a year older than me and not autistic, memories of the endless trauma and violence and abuse and stress of our childhood on the move and outcast from society, memories, memories,
 memories of the beautiful fields of my homecounty and the wonderful agricultural and horticultural work that I did, memories of being cuddled into my adoptive mother’s arms, and her jealous husband’s violent temper and abuse of me, memories of my efforts to be a good and useful person in the community and the church,
memories of my former counsellor, the steadiest and most insightful and kind person I have met, memories of struggles to look after myself and make ends meet, and my failures and debts, memories of being back in college and back to working on farms, memories of the days when I began to see a future, memories of the sea and the boats and being surrounded by friends and beginning to have quality of life, memories of abuse and collapse and the whole world going dark, the memories I try hardest to drown out, the memories that are hardest to drown out.

please save me I am falling here, I am lost and alone.