Answering a question -in brief

I was asked a question about the blog on Saturday.

The Question was – what do I hope to achieve through the blog.

This is a brief answer as I am only on the computer briefly this morning.

• I am telling my story through the blog, even though I remain too traumatized by Jersey to talk about it.
• I am sharing so that other survivors can be encouraged, and I am happy to say that quite a number of survivors have made contact and talked and shared links to websites and support groups, as well as sharing their experiences.
• I am sharing my day to day life on the other blog, which hopefully shows that I am not just the mad bad user etc that the church of england make me out to be.
• I am ensuring that a record of my experiences is made, even if I die as a result of the damage by the Church of England – those who don’t know, my health has suffered seriously as a result of this matter.
• It helps me to write and share my feelings and experiences, I am alone a lot, because I need to be because of my conditions, and I get very angry and distressed by what has happened.
• I would like to contribute towards educating people that the Great Grim Church is not all wonderful and Christian, because so many people do not really know or understand what the Church of England really is, or how they make the vulnerable and poor and disabled suffer. How they use them, even, and how the press releases, so carefully formulated, do not always reflect the true situation – even I was horrified by the dishonesty of Bishop Tim and Luther Pendragon, and the ‘lost last and least’ statement was horrifying.

tbc

I hope Eli doesn’t mind

Eli sent me this link and I am just going to put the link here while I wait his permission to put the link here, because I don’t know when I am next online.

 http://www.itv.com/news/2013-05-10/former-choirboy-issues-cofe-abuse-cover-up-claims/

What I find tough about the headlines is the ‘press speak’ the ‘claims’ and ‘allegations’ press speak, that can leave people in doubt as to whether the survivor is a real survivor or not.

I am in no doubt as to whether Eli is a survivor or not, he is. 

Eli is very brave, the Church of England, powerful and cut-throat as they are, are still not used to being challenged, and Eli waived his right to remain anyonymous in order to speak up, this takes away the Church’s ability to run and hide, because this is an act of courage against an essentially cowardly organization.

Eli, myself, and others, have had to put up with abuse and then the Church of England’s ‘anything but responsibility’ cover up and inaction. And worse, the Church of England’s pretence of care, which is for the benefit of the press and the public, those who still believe a word of  what the CofE says.
Well, the old people who put money in the coffers blindly believe it all, because that is part of their belief system.

The Church of England seem to spend years ‘dealing with complaints’, and when they have to use the press, these days they make grand claims of taking things seriously. This can injure survivors even more, because their personal dealings with the church, and the way the church treat them, is different from what is being paraded in the press.
This is certainly my experience!!!

Oh yes, they take their ‘reputation’ (whatever that may be) seriously, they do not take victims seriously, they do not take the fact that Eli and I and other victims are left harmed and struggling seriously.

Jersey, what can you find there?

Jersey, what does the Channel 4 Advert say?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO4IME4g1kw

lets go back 36 – poverty

Here in the village the couple were anti-church, one of their family and one of them had had hell from the Church of England and they were disgusted with the church, this startled me, because despite my own bad experiences I was still very much pro-church. But I had tremendous respect for this couple, they had both lost their spouses from cancer at the same hospital at the same time, had comforted each other and had married, between them they had six children, and what I admire most was that the woman’s four children were adopted siblings, all badly abused, she and her first husband had adopted all four in order to keep them together, had worked with them through their problems and disabilities and raised four children who despite having problems, all went on to lead lives of their own, I have profound respect for her for this.

So the lady almost understood problems, and was inordinately patient with me as I had grown more disturbed from my continued problems, and her husband was also extremely patient with me, they were patient with my lack of money as well, the college hardship fund started subsidising my rent, but between petrol and creditors, my money tended to be gone before I got it, but I managed to keep up the rent payments.

I had trouble eating sometimes, they were puzzled by this, but learned that I could not usually eat a big meal and kept to simple food, the great thing about their house was that there was limitless cups of tea, and I could make a pot, I loved to hurtle home from college, make a big pot of tea, and put my favourite programme on TV ‘My parents are aliens’ on, and if you ever want a deep insight into what it is like to be high functioning autistic, then watch that programme, it also gives you an insight into some of my humour. After watching TV for a bit, I would head back to college for library study and planning to travel the world.

I liked the couple I lived with, but had almost nothing in common with them, they loved animals though, and being busy with volunteer work, which helped, they had a dog and a cat when I arrived, and got a mad puppy when I was there, they religiously took the dogs to kennel club training, and the cat would come and curl up with me as I watched telly, and I loved that.

I loved college as well, it was far too stressful, but I loved it, I was not one of the most able students, but I got some very good grades, I was the quietest student and found the social side of college very hard, and was glad that it was a very small college compared to the one in Hampshire, that helped, sometimes I made the effort to go with the other students and hang out in the hostels but I wasn’t really interested, they just sat around and talked about drunken binges and computer games and TV shows, when if I was on my own at break I would have been walking by the beautiful lake and getting a hot drink and a snack, I would have been in the library or on the farm, try as I did, I could not bring purpose to hanging out with the other students.

 And that is how it has been and is in my life, the more I try to be a social person, the more tired and hopeless and lost I feel, alone I am efficient, I carry out necessary routines, I sit alone and read, I listen to music and I escape the hopeless tennis games of conversation, but I made a big concerted effort at college, I didn’t want to repeat my life at the old college, so I went out for a few drinks with the others, didn’t enjoy it, went bowling with one of my fellow students and spent time with her and enjoyed that, went to the pub and played pool with landlady’s daughter and her spouse several times, and enjoyed that but panicked a lot each time.
 
Back to the grim Lihou and finance issues, Jill and George decided they would come and see me, and I wondered if I really wanted that, but I agreed, they were coming for the whole of my day off, despite the problems we were having.

Just to mention, my toy Lion, Joj, was not named after George, not sure why that is written here but I may as well include it.

The impact of the Diocese’s cruelty

There are many and varied impacts of the Diocese’s cruelty in Jersey and Winchester, which will last me the remainder of my life.

One significant one is that I severely mistrust offers of help. especially in relation to church.

I cannot trust myself with church people because of the way the diocese went behind my back and maligned me to every church in Winchester so that I was walking around maligned, branded and shamed.
Now if a church person tries to help me, I look round for the diocese and their condemnation, and I try to escape, I can’t believe in myself and I can’t believe that a church person who tries to help me will not be taken off me, so usually I do not allow people to stay with me, either I leave or I ask them not to help me.
With a few exceptions.

I feel that I am branded by the diocese for the rest of my days and I associate any church and any church people with branding and unforgiveness and unworthiness and the danger of Jane Fisher intervening as soon as she finds me.

And judging by what has happened, my fears are justified.

I will never really feel safe in a church or with church people, however much love and acceptance there is, and that is funny because what are churches supposedly for? And what did the Diocese make church into by going behind my back and maligning me? They left me eternally separated from what should be safety, fellowship and a place where I would not be judged, until even with the lovely churches who have been alongside me, I cannot really feel safe and included, the brand of the Diocese of Winchester is very deep, and it may never be a thing I recover from.

Credit to the Churches who have nurtured and included me and tried to help.

Chichester

I have only recently read that after an ‘apology’ from the Church of England (which was rejected).
Diocese of Chichester Abuse Survivors called for another inquiry that the Church of England made agreeable noises to, and then the Church of England did a U-turn and changed their minds about supporting the inquiry.

I have sympathy for the Chichester Survivors, who probably went through worse than I have.
I am angry that the Church of England started using abuse and victims to glorify themselves and then realised it wasn’t really working, and gave up on victims again, we were not the easy source of glory that they hoped, and the apology and the launching on me and the Deanery, did not get them the response that they hoped for and the acclaim that they hoped for, they were not suddenly better than the Catholic Church because ‘The CofE cared and the Catholics didn’t’.
There hasn’t been an atom of care for me by the Church of England, they haven’t even done the basics of treating me as a human being with rights and feelings.
I hope that the Chichester survivors have been better treated personally even though they have been badly let down, again, by the Church.

I gather that the Archbishop thinks that banking is more important than abuse inquiries.
Does he not realise, even now that he is a priest? He still has the mentality of a banker.

Macsas and ‘The Stones Cry Out’

Useless and unhelpful as macsas is, and as out of date their website is, they did do a church abuse survey some years ago, and never appear to have got around to the second one.
But I would like to include their survey here http://macsas.org.uk/MACSAS_SurveyReportMay2011.pdf

On page 42, a case concerning the Diocese of Winchester is mentioned.

I do not know for sure, but believe that may be the case of a woman who I will call ‘M’, it is not my case, definitely but very sadly I was made aware of M’s case while I was in the Diocese, which shows just how little confidentiality mattered to some people.

M, made a complaint about a Vicar. Sadly the Diocese handled this really badly, really really badly, because they involved JM, the Vicar who’s husband sexually abused me, and who told me that the abuse was not abuse and was my fault and that I was trying to seduce her husband etc.

JM, with her bad attitude to abuse victims generally and not just me, who always treated abuse victims with scorn and repeatedly lack of confidentiality, and who made abusers out to be ‘just victims themselves’ always had this attitude of scorn and lack of confidentiality to victims and attitude of support to abusers.

JM was, for some reason asked to step into the abuse claim and act as a ‘mentor’ to ‘M’, she kept nothing confidential and told me all about it, she scornfully described M as ‘adoring’ this Vicar and following him around and seeing him as a father figure and misconstrueing his actions, and this is how she represented M to the diocese, much as she scornfully blamed me for what FM did while I was vulnerable and she had taken me home to him.

Quote Macsas survey page 42:

1.18.1 Two other cases were also reported in the Dioceses of Winchester and Liverpool. In the first there was at last an investigation process undertaken two years after the allegations were made when the respondent contacted the Archbishop of Canterbury. The respondent has recently reported that the outcome of the investigation was to give the vicar the ‘benefit of the doubt’ and to suggest ways that the vicar could change his behaviour so that it is less open to misinterpretation. She is again writing to the Archbishop of Canterbury.  1.18.2 Again it is clear that Church leaders do not seem to take these cases seriously, or understand the need for resolution when complaints are made. Even when allegations are investigated through the Clergy Discipline Measures the procedures are manipulated to minimise the actions of the vicar and the subsequent penalty imposed. Women are not being protected from further abuse by these men. 

1.18.3 At least one of these vicars is a reported to be a serial sexual abuser of women and has 

been allowed to continue in ministry far from the diocese where he became notorious for 

sexually assaulting and abusing women. Another has multiple allegations of sexual abuse 

of young men during healing ministry and past allegations of child abuse and sexual 

misconduct. He was not investigated by Church authorities because he chose not to renew 

his license when allegations were made. In other cases women who had dedicated their 

lives to working in their parishes were vilified and isolated when they raised concerns 

about the conduct of the parish vicar. 

1.18.4 At all times it appears as if the reputation of the priest/vicar is more important than 

safeguarding members of the congregations, their colleagues and others who come to 

them for spiritual/pastoral support.

Obviously nothing changed in the Diocese of Winchester, nothing at all, and my recent statements about how FM’s abuse of me was deliberately made into a nothing by the Korris report have been swept under the carpet along with my filling in of the gaps about Jane Fisher’s destroyal of me on my return to Winchester.

So the ongoing investigation omits my views and omits my complaints, including that against JM who crossed boundaries as my counsellor to take me home to her house where she continued to take over my life, prevent my diagnoses and thus the help I needed, breached confidences to me and about me, and let her husband abuse me despite his daughter accusing him of abuse, and then she involved herself in Jersey on the side of the abuser and his supporters.

Nothing whatsoever has been done either about J and FM or about the Diocese of Winchester’s appaling safeguarding practice.

And there is no way that JM breaching safeguarding and professional boundaries blatantly and repeatedly can possibly be my fault, nor the damage over years that I suffered as a result and reacted to, for which I have been villified, especially by the Dean of Jersey who collaberated with JM, and Jane Fisher, of all people, who has followed JM’s example of not taking abuse seriously and villifying me instead.

This is not the post I previously mentioned, this is a link

There is not a great deal of specific support for church abuse survivors.
In the Uk there is macsas, a very crass and badly run charity, which increased the damage to me rather than helping me.
There is a group called SNAP, who are America-based but are expanding.
And there is the Hope of Survivors, who are mainly USA-based but offer support to anyone, wherever they are in the world, via internet and email.

Although the sexual abuse I suffered was from people in church postions, I also suffered badly from the way clergy have treated me as a result of the abuse, and have suffered emotional abuse at the hands of the clergy.

This is a link offered by The Hope of Survivors  http://thehopeofsurvivors.com/

Church and State, make them accountable

This is, as ever, not a suicide note, but there is no doubt that my body and mind are not able to go on surviving the horrendous amount of damage that has been done and is being done to me.

Those of you who are reading because you care, and I know that there are some. My last wish is that the church of england who destroyed me, are made accountable.
Not just for me, but accountable to some authority, somewhere, because at the moment, despite the fact that they are a government department, with Bishops announced by 10 Downing Street, and despite their charitable status, and despite the fact that hundreds of cases of abuse and misconduct are reported and mainly squashed every month, despite no other government department ever getting away with such, the church of england are accountable to no-one.
And once you are in the church of england and report abuse, they can destroy you in the most horrible and public ways possible and again, they are accountable to no-one. No-one at all, and as a vulnerable person, from my experience, I have been to every possible organization and cried for help, and been ignored or treated as mad, or in the case of the police, brutalized, told that the church had done nothing wrong and that I had no right to be looking to them for help when my problem was insanity.

Basically, this Great Grim Church answers only to itself, and no-one is ever effectively held accountable. And after years of suffering because of this, and having been villified for writing to people in the church who did wrong, I am now destroyed beyond repair, while other victims go away silenced and angry, are given police records or commit suicide, and the church of england are never made accountable, even though their actions and attitudes regarding abuse is as far from Christianity as it is possible to be.

So before my heart or mind fails me, I beg you, bring the church of england to account.
Even in my death, let my side be heard.