That Christmas 2009

It was heading towards Christmas 2009.
I was suffering and traumatized by the police and the way I was treated in Jersey as a result of the way I had  reported the churchwarden and also Jane Fisher’s nasty and senseless communications which left me in more despair than anything else.

I had made up my mind to commit suicide at Christmas and leave a letter explaining to the haters how badly being regressed to young childhood and abused and then vilified for reporting the abuse had affected me (as if they would care!).

I was very unhappy, the world was dark with no light and no-one to turn to.

But I remember being able to do something that brought light to my world as well as to others, and it is something that I just really wanted to do.

I asked my friend who went into the nursing home several times a week, presumably to teach something?
If she would get me the names of all the residents and if they preferred to be known by first names or more formally – as some older people do.
When she got me the list of names, I did a Christmas card for all 64 or so residents, because I knew that some of them wouldn’t get any other cards.
I am very shy of people, afraid of people, but I know that each human being is valuable and matters, no matter what their age or state of health.

But the response to my cards surprised me, not only the residents greeting me by name and smiling and waving when I walked past, but also their families and visitors, and I received a number of cards in reply, everyone was so nice! And from that, I ended up in regular conversation with a number of people, and this led to my confidence and conversation building remarkably.

That Christmas, within the weeks up to Christmas, as I searched the internet looking at the most effective methods of suicide, I came across Maytree Sanctuary for the suicidal, and applied to go there, within the week before Christmas, I completed my self-referral to Maytree and went there for Christmas.

My journey to Maytree was disasterous, this is when the heavy snow was falling, and it looked like the plane wouldn’t even leave Jersey, but it did, and when we landed at Gatwick, our plane had a good old scary skid along the runway!
Arriving at Gatwick in the heavy snow, trying to get the coach looked impossible as snow was affecting the coaches and there were no announcements and no-one could adequately explain what was going on, but thankfully I eventually got a coach, my phone was on a Jersey sim and hardly worked in the UK so I could not let Maytree know what was going on as it took hours and hours to get to London and to Maytree, I ended up in tears in a phone box trying to explain to Maytree and then eventually got to them, very upset.

I think I was tired and it was late when I got there and they made sure I had a hot drink and food before bed.

The stay there was generally pleasant, and I had my own room with ensuite, and no-one was supposed to come into my room unless they were concerned for my safety but one volunteer barged in anyway.

One of the ways Maytree helps people is through talking, and we talked a lot, there were a number of volunteers at Maytree and so I met a lot of people, but the one I found easiest to talk to was retired tube driver called R.

I came downstairs and the kitchen smelled of frying breakfast and Richard was there with the garden doors open, frying breakfast, he was great to talk to and we talked a lot, he told me about his late wife who was a beautiful Indian lady, he fell in love with her the minute he saw her, but she never wanted flowers, because she was a mechanic, she always wanted new spanners and tools 🙂

Maytree was great, we went looking for a turkey on Christmas eve, but they were sold out so we got a duckling, not a duck but a duckling! 🙂 I feel bad about having eaten one of those little fluffy yellow beeping things. But I have a feeling it was a rather grown up duckling. Them beeping yellow things are too small to have the meat on them that the ‘duckling’ we cooked did.

It was good to have Christmas, if I had stayed in Jersey I would have had no Christmas and I would have been dead.
And, looking at what happened in the following year, maybe death would have been better, although I would have missed out on my awesome experience of sleeping rough if I had died.
(and I still believe this church matter may kill me yet).

So time at Maytree was spend relaxing, talking, enjoying good food and drink and lots of Christmas cake, it was all good.
I went for walks, and was surprised that there in the dirty, dog-messy streets, everyone said ‘good morning’ and ‘Happy Christmas’, I went into a Catholic church one day and lit candles, asked Philip LeClaire what the difference between the red and blue candles was and got no response.
But there was a notice in church that eternally amused me.
It read:

‘Please note, the heating is off due to a leek in the pipes’

I couldn’t help wondering how the leek got there and why they couldn’t fish it out 🙂

Anyway, on Christmas Day, I went to the morning service at a local Church of England/Charismatic church, a pretty young lady from Maytree came with me, it was incredibly funny how, after the service, all the Charismatic men came up to us and started chatting with her and ignoring me, she was not a Christian but had offered to accompany me for support and safety. The men really liked chatting to her, they hardly said hello to me! 🙂
I wrote an amused letter to the church and told them I had enjoyed the service and been amused by the men’s keenness on my companion, they wrote a friendly letter in reply, saying I was always welcome to drop in.
One of the lovely parts of the service was when they let a net of balloons down from the roof, the children ran riot!

Anyway, before I left Maytree, the person in charge met with me and talked with me about my strengths and plans for the future, I found that empowering, but lost the letter when I had to leave Jersey, and Maytree wouldn’t let me have another copy.

The problem with Maytree, excellent as they were, the communication wasn’t good, and before I went, a woman tried to get me to fill in a questionaire that even she didn’t understand, and it included asking me if I was an abuser, apparently, but she didn’t know or wasn’t clear what the questions meant and I was left very upset. She then said that it didn’t matter anyway and I didn’t need to fill it in. That was awful, it was intrusive and distressing and undid some of the good by stressing me.

I left Maytree and sadly, walked into terrible football crowds on the underground and was trapped and panicked.
Thankfully a member of tube staff rescued me and got me back to Central London, and I headed for Hampshire to my friends (who the diocese have since taken from me).

I arrived back in Jersey feeling refreshed and determined to move forward positively, Jane Fisher had temporarily shut up, or so it seemed, as I had written to Scott-Joynt just before Christmas, as I expected to be dead in the new year and wanted him to know that Fisher had been bullying me and making life hell.
The Korris report claims Scott-Joynt wrote to me, he did not, he didn’t have my address, of course at that stage I wasn’t going to tell anyone in the Church where I lived, life was hell enough in the community because I was shunned.

So I resumed life and was surprised by the curate who had been so rude and snappy before Christmas -when her cousin comitted suicide.
She really wanted to be in contact and see me, I was surprised, so I took her a load of firewood logs.

I had no idea that we were at the start of Jane Fisher using her further to harm me.
One of Fisher’s greatest triumphs against me was the way she wrecked a safe and healing relationship and used that curate against me in the most terrible and damaging way and also brought the dean into it, again, as she continued to do, leaving me with no safe and private church relationships and help, it is a deep wound.

So this was 2010 now, the beginning of the end as I continued to be damaged by the church of england.

For Bishop Dakin

Dear Bishop Dakin,

I would like to know what has happened to my complaint against Jane Fisher, and why, when I had a complaint against her, she was allowed to refer me to her colleague, John Cameron at the NSPCC.

sincerely,

HG

Christians

If the people in the Diocese and Deanery war are Christias then why can’t they settle this civilly?

I am caught in the middle and it is making me ill, especially the wait to  be damaged by unbalanced and inaccurate reports that condemn me instead of investigating my complaint. Reports that cover for wrongdoers.
Why am I being crucified for my sins when I do not work for the church and other wrongdoers do, hence their wrongs, which they will not take responsibility for, are worse, while I am on my knees pleading for forgiveness and absolution!

ps, the dioce appear to have made that NSPCC bid only to be able to put something in their press statement to cover for themselves.
‘working hard accross the diocese to provide me with help’? Ha!

one-sided

Jane Fisher and the Bishop did not take my complaint and preferred to spread a one-sided story to places like Romsey Abbey and the Catholic church in Winchester.

So I was shouted at and maligned but the fact that I was abused and autistic was not shared.

And the facts of my side were not shared.

For example I was shouted at for ‘all the trouble I caused at…’
 Because  JANE FISHER maligned me and did not give my side of things to the people she maligned me to.

The abuse was not mentioned.

Things never noted by Fisher who used my difficult relationships against me, include JM slapping me because I was angry about the way her Mother and sister treated me over the abuse.

And. Another person used against me taking my toy off me and putting it in the microwave and burning and breaking it, as you may have realised, I always have a toy/s and have mentioned the toys in context of attachment disorder and autism, the toys usually mean a lot to me, and so, to see my toy put in the microwave and burned and broken was deeply deeply distressing, but Jane Fisher has never recorded my side of things and has villified me.

This is a small example.

A Question for the Diocese

How many other abuse survivors will you or have you launched on and left maligned and smeared and having to use media such as this to defend themselves and tell their true story after defamatory reports and smear campaigns leave them ruined and misrepresented?

What you did was not safeguarding or anything to do with it, it was a very badly failed PR stunt.
You have inflicted terrible damage on me for no reason, I may have a temper, but I also have conditions, and have been in circumstances that influence/ed that.

I think what you have done is terrible, it has injured me terribly and was the most foolhardy and aimless and dangerous action that could possibly have been taken, and I remain suffering the consequences every day, and if you further the damage with more reports that omit me, you will either increase my suffering or kill me.

Anything and Everything

Bible: Matthew 6:24

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Bible: Luke  16:13
 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

When I was in Jersey, the ‘cult churches’ used to go on and on repeating ‘Jersey for Jesus’

But it sounded hollow, vain repetition, along with the other games.

The problem with Jersey is, it is not for Jesus, it is an Island run on Finance, and an island injured by the occupation and not fully healed.
Jersey is not for Jesus, and cannot be for Jesus while it’s governance is so conflicted by the crossovers between powerful and influencial figures who can be members of the government, judiciary, church and even financial industry, this group of people who hold too much power and who ensure that anyone who falls foul of one of these elite, usually ends up on trial, and ruined, because there is no fair and impartial governance and judiciary.

Other elements very present in Jersey are ‘cult’ practices, merged with certain churches, and Freemasonry.

I am not saying all Jersey people and churches are Freemasons or connected with cults, far from it!

But when Tim Dakin launched publicly on Jersey, he didn’t seem to have either researched the Jersey culture, or taken into account what he was going up against.
But he isn’t the one injured by the backlash, nor is that woman, Jane Fisher, who I guess, masterminded the utterly crazy public campaign against the Dean, which was as far from safeguarding as possible – publicly launching on a vulnerable person who is already destroyed publicly launching on an Island like Jersey, what did they expect, a Christian attitude of remorse and accountability and reconciliation?

Dakin’s stupidity did me massive damage and caused the closing of ranks of that political/church/judiciary/masonic clique against me, and led to me being massively injured by a smear campaign run by people who had money, power and legal expertise and had forgot the basics of Christianity, and nothing was achieved.

I do not know how you deal with a culture like Jersey, I couldn’t, and it drove me mad and left me thus destroyed, at the time not know why I was treated so badly and my complaint refused and covered up, but I do know that Dakin’s way of doing things has left me seriously damaged and achieved nothing in Jersey except the knowledge that vulnerable people can be abused at will and will be destroyed if they speak up.

So, Jersey for Jesus? Or Jersey for money, cover-ups and destroyal of those who speak out, especially using the Victim’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities against them.
As happened to me, and to Haute de la Garenne survivors.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lq6lJsBz9UY

Jersey isn’t for Jesus until something changes, until those clergy and laity, who supported my abuser, and villified me, have a change of heart and put the cover-ups and vicious smear campaigns and love of money and security over Jesus’ teachings, aside, and are accountable and honest, return to Jesus, and ensure that the vulnerable are not villified by their own mouths.
Jersey isn’t for Jesus until those running the Church return to Christianity and leave the love of money, power and ego behind, leave the lack of accountability and the closing of ranks behind.
Until then they are in a prison of their own making, and island prison where they cannot be for Jesus, because they are supporting the Jersey way, which is not Christianity, and the Jersey way is money and power and ego.

‘Jersey for Money’, is all they can truthfully chant at the moment, because the cost to the vulnerable and poor and marginalised is very high, and the Church of England in Jersey, just as the Church of England in England, is full of well off people, with very few poor, Jersey’s Churches, if anything, are worse for this.

Jersey has a Statue of the Devil as a feature, I don’t recall a Statue of Jesus, but they can’t serve two masters, so they are not for Jesus yet, that ‘Jersey for Jesus’ chant was another manmade freaky Charismatic/Cult thing, as was their much more frightening ‘fire on Jersey, fire on you!’ chant, that was very prevelant in St. Matthews and St. Andrews, that used to make me feel physically sick and frightened, because it is unnatural, it isn’t to do with Jesus, and to an outsider, it was terrifying ‘fire on you’ would be a masonic thing or a curse.
I did not like ‘fire on you’ being directed at me, it may seem like something to do with Jesus to people in these cult churches, but in reality, there is no link or relationship to Jesus, God, or the Bible in it. And thinking clearly about it, Jesus would not have condoned such games. Do you recall him reproving his disciple, Peter, for offering to build booths for Jesus and Elijah and Moses and other things?
‘Fire on you’ is worse than that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lq6lJsBz9UY

 

The impact of the Diocese’s cruelty

There are many and varied impacts of the Diocese’s cruelty in Jersey and Winchester, which will last me the remainder of my life.

One significant one is that I severely mistrust offers of help. especially in relation to church.

I cannot trust myself with church people because of the way the diocese went behind my back and maligned me to every church in Winchester so that I was walking around maligned, branded and shamed.
Now if a church person tries to help me, I look round for the diocese and their condemnation, and I try to escape, I can’t believe in myself and I can’t believe that a church person who tries to help me will not be taken off me, so usually I do not allow people to stay with me, either I leave or I ask them not to help me.
With a few exceptions.

I feel that I am branded by the diocese for the rest of my days and I associate any church and any church people with branding and unforgiveness and unworthiness and the danger of Jane Fisher intervening as soon as she finds me.

And judging by what has happened, my fears are justified.

I will never really feel safe in a church or with church people, however much love and acceptance there is, and that is funny because what are churches supposedly for? And what did the Diocese make church into by going behind my back and maligning me? They left me eternally separated from what should be safety, fellowship and a place where I would not be judged, until even with the lovely churches who have been alongside me, I cannot really feel safe and included, the brand of the Diocese of Winchester is very deep, and it may never be a thing I recover from.

Credit to the Churches who have nurtured and included me and tried to help.

Jane Fisher’s meeting

Jane Fisher, who never dealt with my complaint and rubbished me. Had an obsession with trying to get me into a meeting.
The problem was, she was told no, over and over again because of her scorn and rubbishing of me.

But she didn’t give up, because she is spoilt and thinks she can always get her way, so she trashed helpful mentoring relationships to try and get me into this meeting.
She repeatedly tried to use Philip LeClaire to force this meeting on me, despite me telling him that he was not to act on behalf of the diocese while working with me, not to set things up  for them, not to communicate with them about me, etc.
Sadly my privacy there was ignored and confidences breached, hence me not trusting Philip.

Tracy was also used repeatedly as a mouthpiece for Fisher, which again, broke my trust for her, and she was used to try and get this meeting, which I refused.
Fisher even tried to get me into this meeting with Tracy there as my ‘friend’.
Tracy ceased to be anything good or trustworthy for me the day Fisher got her claws in.

The question is, why did Fisher rip through my personal life to try and force a meeting on me about my abuser, when she had done nothing about my abuser? And still hasn’t.

Being Direct

In Jersey, was I cheerfully trashing the place and swearing and threatening everyone?

No, I was responding to a miserable and shameful situation that I could not understand, where I was being hurt, where I was being maligned in a small community, where the police had brutalized me and locked me up the day they let my abuser go to go round saying he was cleared.
I was responding to living in a community where churchgoers and professionals were so linked that I could not access unbiased services or avoid being shunned and glared at, in a place where it was admitted to me I was discussed and that one particular church leader hated me and considered me evil.

I was under too much stress and could not live a normal life, while the Diocese denied it all and made life worse for me and did nothing about my abuser or my complaints.

The damage is lasting.

I need to share that because I do have flashbacks at the moment to the way I was treated in Jersey and the way I responded.

I think Jersey could be described as a place where ‘people get promoted for wrongdoing’, that is what I saw happening as my complaints continued to be ignored and it harmed me.

my side of things

The Diocese of Winchester did not arrange for my full story to be taken and ignored my requests, including my offer to see an independent interviewer, instead, they excluded me and illegally referred me to agencies including the NSPCC without my consent, and I had a breakdown.